Read Me, Rate Me, Don't Hate Me

He Wasn't Really...Was He? 9-26-02

Looking back and wondering if he was really in love.


"Michael was the most handsome man I had ever met. His smile would melt the hardness in me like butter in the sun. Slowly, I would become a better person and long for better things in my life. He would laugh at me, causing me to blush, and then he would kiss my nose and tell me never to change. But he made me want to change, to be better, to make a difference.
"Our conversations were never dull, never filled with uncomfortable silences and sad moments. He would tell me about his family and I would tell him about my animals. I looked forward to seeing him and went places looking for his appearance.
"He was in love with Meghan, a small girl with a smaller personality. I pined after him forever, dreaming of the day that he would look my way. I had his attention but I didn't have his love. I wasn't sure if I really wanted it. Meghan seemed to loathe him as well as love him. That didn't seem like a great thing to have. But to have him love me, I believed, would be a dream come true.
"As I watched him approach me one day, with Someday My Prince Will Come running through my head, I wondered if true love only came once. If that was the case, was I wasting my one chance at true love on Michael Smythe?
"Now you realize that I have used a fake name. Why, you ask. Because he may see this and his name is one of a kind, noticable and rememberable, much like he is himself.
"I thought that maybe, someday, love would overcome the dark clouds of infatuation, for I believe Meghan was infatuated even if he loved her. I pushed away and wondered if I could ever compare to cute, thin, blonde Meghan. Doubtful.
"The day came when they married and my heart bled. I actually cried for days. To lose the love of your life without him even realizing you love him, painful to the extreme. I imagine him knowing and shunning you would hurt more but that didn't happen. So, in my small little universe, being shunned without him knowing is the worst and most painful.
"I continued on in life, enduring and drifting, not really looking for excitement or love. Now, to end a perfectly depressing story, one would assume that love found me. It didn't. It hasn't, actually. I sit alone.
"Many months passed without a word from Michael or Meghan and I didn't dwell on it too much. They deserved each other, loved each other...didn't they?
"One day they returned. Rushed back into my life like a flood when the dam breaks. I smiled and played nice, having practiced my smiles for just this occasion. I watched him watch her and felt sick. If only he loved me.
"She sat next to me one day, Meghan, and confessed a horrible sin. Adultery. "He begged me to stay." She said. "Begged us to work it out. But I didn't want to. Finally I said, okay, we'll try once more."
"She told me this like she didn't have a second thought about him. She told me this like it was something everyone was doing, like I was her best friend and she had every right to tell me. I smiled and said I understood but inside I was fuming.
"She had Michael Smythe! The one man I would always love! She had him and she slept around! I truly hated her.
"Needless to say they divorced later. His heart shattered, he struggled to keep his head above water. His brother told me that Michael wasn't really in love with Meghan. That he just liked her a lot. I replied that you don't marry someone you like a lot, you marry someone you love. His brother, whose name is Thomas, smiled and told me that was not always the truth.
"I watched and prayed for Michael to realize the girl he wanted, the girl he needed, the girl he loved was me. I wore makeup more often, I dressed nicer, I smiled more. I got a tattoo, because I wanted one and because he had one so I knew he wouldn't freak out. I pierced my nose. He moved away.
"Looking back now, I think maybe Thomas was right. Maybe it wasn't love. But could you marry someone for like? I didn't think so.
"He didn't really love her...did he?
"Years have come and gone, with Michael still handsome and single and me still plain and lonely. I sit alone sometimes and wonder if he had known, if I had told him, would things be different? Would I be happy and married to my prince? Even if dreams were easily believed, I can't even believe I'd be married to Michael.
"I don't really love him...do I?"