Spasmodic Contemplations

A Long-needed Rant

Boy I tell ya, living a life of paranoia is so much fun! I mean, who wouldn’t want to live in fear all the time? Seriously, I just love always worrying about what I did wrong or what I didn’t do right or something of the sort. Yeah…

I don’t know. I’ve just feeling really bad lately. I haven’t been happy in a while, and I guess I’m not the only one, because people around me who act all ill and stuff make me feel bad too. Okay, so I don’t really have reason to complain; I do have it a lot better than so many people…But geez! How would you feel if you got called freak or weirdo or psycho everyday? Maybe my friends don’t mean it; I mean, they ARE my friends. But sometimes I wonder. Like, do I really freak them out? Am I that bad? What’s the hell is wrong with me! I suppose they’re kidding, but more often than not…I just have these creeping suspicions that they’re not. I thought that maybe they enjoyed being around people who weren’t “normal,” people who just kinda…were….weird. But maybe I’m too weird for them. I don’t’ think I’m that bad, but perhaps I should try to act more like all these other people…okay not that much. Just a little more…

It’s like…okay, there was this one day in English. And my friend had showed us this article that was pretty disturbing. I won’t go into detail, but the main guy in it sounded quite the sadistic one. It was creepy, but I reacted wrongly obviously. I laughed. I mean, I didn’t think it was funny, just kinda odd. So I laughed, and they called me depraved. So maybe it seemed so, but that’s not true. I just…I’m too socially immature to know how I’m supposed to react I guess. I didn’t know what to say, so I just laughed it off like it was no big deal. And then….oh gah I don’t know. I think they were kidding, calling me sadistic and al, but I don’t know. I guess that was pretty weird of me. But what was I supposed to do? The normal thing would have been to be all shocked and concerned, and that’s good. It was pretty shocking. But I am all confused about how to express myself, and that was plain weird…so I’m sorry if I came across wrong. So now I get called weirdo and psycho and freak every day. Sean always goes, “Yeah, she’s acting odd again.” Sorry Sean, I’ll try to act more normal next time. It hurts…it does. Even if they’re kidding.

Oh yeah, and they all think I’m pretty bad because I said I don’t like don’t like Christmas time anymore. Okay, so that is not normal, and it may sound a bit grouchy. But I mean, comeon. Who likes getting out there and shopping for little pointless presents that the person probably won’t really care too much for anyway? If I knew that the present I got this so and so person meant a whole lot to them, like, perhaps if it was a sentimental thing or something instead of some little dinky thing that I bought because I was expected to, then maybe I would be more than happy to celebrate and be all happy about the holidays. It’s not that I don’t like Christmas itself. Just, I know what it is. I hate the commercialism and the pressure to spend money and stuff. Why is everyone so materialistic? I do enjoy being with my family and friends. God knows I love the food and stuff. I don’t mind associating with most of my family for short periods of time. I love getting together and exchanging presents and stuff. I love giving people stuff, if they truly like it. I get that warm fuzzy feeling inside that just doesn’t come often enough. But it’s all the commercials, all the pressure to go buy buy buy. All the silly attempts for businesses to get as much money as possible. All the sickness that one encounters when going out to buy all those dinky presents. All the crowds and ill-mannered angry shoppers who just want to buy something and go home, not putting any thought or care into the present. All that silly stuff. Why don’t people enjoy just being around their loved ones anymore? Doesn’t anyone value all the old values that there used to be? Doesn’t anyone care about anybody else but themselves anymore? I know I’m materialistic…probably a lot more than many, but still, I love those things that people used to value. Fellowship, love, care, affection, warm fuzzy feelings. Not just the money, the gifts, the food…good god. Those are just extras. They’re really not necessary. So I do like Christmas…just not some of the stuff that comes with it. Others don’t like this time of year for the same reason…others for different. Just because I state my opinion, it doesn’t mean I’m a freak or immoral or mean or anything.

I’m sure you can tell that I’m pretty insecure. I’m always afraid of what people think of me. I know this. I’m not stupid. Okay, so maybe I am, but anyway. When my friends say stuff like that, it’s only logical to think that they’re just kidding with me, and I’m sure they are. But deep down, I’m still afraid that they’re not. Maybe they’re trying to imply that I should change. Everyone has to change sometime I guess. I’ve come a long way socially, but I’m not normal yet I suppose. So I cause myself a lot of grief. Like, I always am sticking my foot in my mouth so to speak, always saying the wrong thing, acting the wrong way, and I should know better. You’d think so, me being 17 and all, but noooo…I’m just weird like that. I don’t think I’m mature….really. Or maybe it’s my friends are just all more mature than normal, and I’m not? Or both? I’m always feeling pretty low…inferior….when I’m around them. Okay, not always, but often. That’s not supposed to be right, huh? And who else would I hang out with? These are the most accepting people I’ve ever met, and they’re great, but…but…I don’t know. Blah.

I kept thinking that I was really going to enjoy this trimester. Seriously, I’m taking all these classes that I actually kind of enjoy, but I always feel so isolated, even though I’m surrounded by a lot of my “friends.” It’s weird. I find that I like enjoy English class more than any other because Bean’s in there, but other than that…ehhhh. Yeah, I have 4 classes with Sean and Hunt, and they’re cool. But they don’t ever talk to me. Okay, I don’t expect or want to be the center of attention or the topoic of conversation all the time…or even some of the time. I just want to be acknowledged and not be called odd or weirdo or psycho whenever I speak. Surely I say some relevant things that make sense. I do say stuff that is not that; that’s a sign of my immaturity. But not always am I like that. I might not be as bright as they are, but I am competent, though they often make me feel like I’m not. Oh, this is when they actually talk to me. Most times I’m just ignored…like I don’t even exist. Tat’s annoying. I can entertain myself; I can take care of myself. I do not have to be in on everything, though it may sound like that. But I do like to participate in the conversation sometimes. When I try, I get shunned out…or something. They look at me all funny and stuff…or perhaps this is all my imagination. That’s definitely a good possibility.

It’s not so much the being ignored or being called a weirdo that bothers me. I know I’m weird, and well, I deserve to be ignored a lot of the time. I think what gets me most is just being confused all the time. Confused about what people want from me, or want in general. Confused about how they feel or want to feel. Confused about everything, but mostly just confused about people in general. For instance, today my friend told me she didn’t think she would go to the movies with us tomorrow night. Well, actually, she said she would ask, but then, it just seemed like she just didn’t want to. But see, like, Sunday, she seemed to be all for it. And before she seemed to be, but now…I don’t know. I don’t think she’s going. It’s not so much that I’m upset for her not going. Actually, I’m okay about that. I respect her opinion and her wishes and I said I would back off. Sorry bout that Bean. I wanted to be with you when the movie came out because…I dunno…things seem more fun when you’re around. But there’s always Farina. But now I don’t know how I’m going to get to Farina’s or how I’m going to get home later tomorrow night. But it’snot you’re fault you have all those tests and stuff I guess. So I’m sorry for harassing you or whatever you want to call all that. I’m just disappointed I guess. What bothers me most is that first she seemed to be thinking one way….then suddenly changes her mind. Or perhaps she was thinking the same way all the time and the other was a figment of my imagination…wishful thinking perhaps. I never know what to think about anyone…I don’t ever know if people are annoyed or happy or mad at me or what. Well, I know, but it’s usually too late. Go me. Yeah, I’m so pleasant to be around. I know I’m no; I just wish I knew how to act. I wish I knew what to say, what to do or whatever to make people happy or to at least not make them volatile. Not make them ill at me…INSECURITY PROBLEMS—damn them to hell. And I still don’t know what I’m going to do tomorrow night. Guess I’ll figure it out tomorrow. I’ll probably just go anyway. I’ve been waiting for a year, and I don’t know if I can wait much longer. Better go while I have some money too…who knows.

But guess who I stayed confused with more than any other? You got it, Hunt. Shock Shock. Yeah. I’m paranoid, but he always gives me these mixed signals. Not like…relationship signals…just signals. Of course I’m probably imagining things again, but this is me. NO wonder no one wants to go out with me. That is is pretty freaky of me. Who wants to date an anxious, OCD, paranoid weirdo who can’t even get the basic social skills that most people learn as children down? Don’t suppose I would. I would think I’m too good for them or something…knowing myself. I’m also kind of conceited…maybe a lot conceited…at least when it comes to intelligence, which is weird, because compared to my friends, I’m one of the dumber ones. Seriously, everyone has always told me I’m just o so very smart and I can do anything I want to, but really, I might be a little smarter than the average and nothing more. I’m just extremely driven and an over-achiever. I have to do better than everyone to prove myself. I have to do better than everyone to make myself happy. I have to do better than everyone so that I can be accepted. Or so my mentality seems to be. I know none of this is true, but the psychological damage has been done, and now I’m all screwed up. Okay, so the perfectionist, driven, work-a-holic part of me is because of my Asian genes in part, but a lot of it is because of other things. I know…some may not think I do, but I know. I just refuse to seek counseling other than Bean. She’s the future psychologist anyway, and she’s not going to try and dope me up and make me be all out of it all the time. I’ve determined that it’s not so much my looks anymore that frighten guys away from me…it’s just me. The guys my age are getting past that now I think (I could be wrong), so now that leaves my personality. And I don’t blame people for not wanting to be around me. Does this sound like a pity party? Sorry, just thinking aloud.

Anyways, where was I? Oh yeah, Brian…haha. Suppose I scare him. He proably thinks I’m stalking him, or maybe he just doesn’t think about me at all. That’s okay. It is kinda frustrating though, when he says that we’re friends and then acts like I’m not even there. He’s like, “I hope we’re still friends, even after all that….” And yet I see no evidence of a friendship. He talks to Bean, he talks to Sean, he talks to Critter, but he hardly even looks at me, that I can see anyway. It’s like I’m not even there. Shorty doesn’t exist. She doesn’t b elong in any of our conversations, Shorty was just some fleeting memory, some inconvenience. I don’t have to worry about her anymore. Screw Shorty , who cares about her? That’s what I feel like when I’m around him. Why did I like him/ I know why. There are a lot of reasons, and he didn’t ever make me feel like this before I told him I liked him. What is he trying to do? Do I scare him away? Why? What the hell am I doing wrong that makes him feel like he can’t talk to me? I still like him, but it’s different now, ya know? I would go out with him in an instant if he asked, but I know he never will, so why bother wasting my time fantasizing about it? I’m almost moved on now; I only want to be friends. Being friends that actually talked to each other and cared about each other and stuff…that would be bliss. But do we have that kind of relationship? Noooooo. I do admit that I get jealous of Bean. I mean, I want so badly for him to talk to me, just normally, like friends do, like he does her, but of course that doesn’t happen. All he ever says to me now is that I’m a psycho. Or he tells me to shush sometimes…guess I get on his nerves more thatn most. But how do I do that when I’m not there? Lol, how do I do that when I don’t even talk to him? Why can’t he treat me like he treats Dani? Or Lily? Or Bean? Or Critter? Just like any other female friend of his. Is he afraid I’m going to try to get him to go out with me or something? Or is it more something like he’s afraid that he’ll hurt me again or something? Is he trying to be considerate of me and staying away so he doesn’t hurt me or what? This sure isn’t the way to go about it but anyway…What I would give to know what he was thinking! I would love to ask Robyn to talk to him about it, but that’s silly…something that little kids do or something…or is it? It would be too obvious, and he would probably just shrug it off. That’s what I should do, but I can’t seem to. So I’m thinking my feelings towards Brian and how he’s treating me or not treating me is what makes me so miserable lately. I want to talk to him about it so badly, or get Robyn to or something, but that’s just wrong….I can’t ask her to do that…I guess I’ll just live with it. We only have 6 months of school left anyway. Lord knows I’m going to miss him, but I guess that’s life. Obladi, Oblada, life goes on…

Funny, my relationships with people are about the only things that bother me lately. The college stuff, the school stuff, is really no big deal anymore. I’m 99.9% sure I’m going to UAB…definitely not Vandy….like they would give me enough money! I can’t even pay for the freaking PROFILE form to be sent to them. I think I’ll just give up on them. They cost too much for undergraduate school anyway, no matter how prestigious they are. UAB’s biology program is comparable to Fandy’s and they cost a hell of a lot less. I know that UAB’s campus is in a crappy location, but it’s what I need since I can’t drivfe, and I like cities anyway. Birmingham is better than Kllen, and I should be happy with that. I know I’ll be happy wherever I go, just a matter of what would make me happiest? That is really selfish though. I mean, there are a lot of people who don’t even get to go to college. I really have no right to complain about anything, but I do anyway. That’s wrong I know, but it’s a propensity of mine. I’m not too concerned about money and stuff anymore for college anyway…UAB has offered me approximately $20,000 for me to go there, so I suppose I should. Even if the campus is hell, it’s only 4 years. 4 years is not a long time, and the campus is not the important thing here…it’s the quality of education and the people there. I cant’ wait o get to the city where there is something to do and diversity and just….not small town life! It’s gonna be great, even if it’s still in Alabama…better in a big city than here…haha, and less than a year to go too! That’s amazing and awesome and wonderful and just….I can’t wait for graduation to get here! Gah…we’re so close.

Anyway, sorry that this entry was so long. I’ve been needing to do this for a long time, but I haven’t had the time to do it. I really don’t have it now, should’ve been studying for my chemistry test tomorrow (organic chem. Woohoo! I am one of few who like it…maybe the only one). I think I might go post this now really quick then go to bed. Got a long day tomorrow…if I go to the movies anyway. We’ll just see, goodnight to you my few readers of the journal.