Spasmodic Contemplations

What a Day

Agh, I hate funerals. I mean, I know they’re not supposed to be a whole lot of fun and everything, but the one I went to today was awful. And what’s sad is, I cried more today at a guy I hardly knew’s funeral more than I cried at my great grandmother’s. But see, I mainly went for my friend’s sake, since it was his dad that had died; I was there basically for his moral support. But still. It through me off. And when I saw and heard Fetty crying, I just lost it there. That was too much…It really was a good service, very touching. This lady read some stuff, people spoke, his brother played the guitar and dedicated it to Mr. Fethe, then delivered a speech that concluded with a quote of Bob Dylan’s lyrics. Very touching. I cried more than I thought I would. But just….Fetty, I dunno…I felt so bad for him. He was crying, and I felt so….HELPLESS. I hate that! I couldn’t do anything except hug him and oh gee, I’m sure that helped a lot. But what can you do in a situation like that? Nothing, so I guess it’s not my fault. And you know what? Despite all my crying and feelings of helplessness and guilt, I still feel like I didn’t feel bad enough. Like, maybe I should have felt even worse for their sake. I still like I was just too…apathetic? Yeah, I probably wasn’t but still…this is my paranoia creeping up on me again I guess.

And you know what? I feel even more guilty because of my ignorance. I know it’s not my fault that I didn’t find out about Mr. Fethe’s death until late Sunday night, but still…And I thought that he had died on late Friday night…like early Saturday night; that was my understanding. But actually, he had died Friday morning, and then Fetty went out with us for Robyn’s birthday dinner anyway. That makes me feel like crap. I mean, I know he didn’t tell anyone, but it makes me feel bad nonetheless. I mean, if he really didn’t feel like going out with us Friday night (and it looked like he didn’t) then he should’ve just said no, he didn’t want to. But he did to make us feel better I guess. He said he didn’t tell anyone because he didn’t want to ruin the birthday thing, but no offense to Bean, but I’m thinking death in the family is a bit more important. It would’ve been okay with us if he had said no, but he didn’t let on. Of course, saying no would have meant us pressing him for the reason why, and he didn’t feel like discussing it. He had told me he would tell me later about what was bothering him, but he never did. I feel so awful!

My god this bugs me. Okay, in a journal, you’re supposed to be able to just type and express how you feel, but for some reason I can’t even do that. Or maybe that’s what I’m doing right now. It’s just so frustrating. It’s not that I’m trying; I’m just typing away, but I’m not getting all this stuff out like I intended to. I’m still ill, still upset, still feel too burdened down with crap; I just don’t feel better like I normally do when I write in my journal. What is with me? I don’t know…blah. Something. I haven’t been my normal self lately…what is my normal self? I just feel weird. It’s hard to explain.

Oh gah, it was so much trouble getting to the funeral today. I didn’t find out til late last night, so I didn’t know I had a ride until this morning. And then this girl, I guess you could say Tiff is a friend…anyway, she was going to go with us when we checked out at 9. Well, my rides decided that we should leave about 30 minutes early, so we go to McDonald’s and eat and forget about Tiff. So we come back to the school about 10 minutes late to come get her, thinking, well, she wouldn’t have left that soon. But obviously she had. We wasted 30 minutes looking for her, and she wasn’t even there! Okay, so it was partly our fault, but she could have waited….or called or something. So we were almost late for the service….and then all that….yeah.

So we spent the next few hours after the service hanging out with some of our friends that we haven’t seen in a while…people who have graduated already and all. It was nice, though kinda strange to reunite on such an occasion. Oh well…they deserted us anyway. We were all at the mall, then they left us because we got distracted. So we went to…Blockbuster and argued over what movie to rent. We finally decided to rent Braveheart and then take it to our friend’s house and watch it. Tiff was all like, “But I don’t want to watch a movie, but ya’ll just go ahead. I don’t care. I’ll just go home.” Yeah right….she just wanted us to feel sorry for her. I felt like saying, “Okay, go home then.” I don’t know. I just don’t like Tiff very much. She’s just kinda….boring, and well, other things. She doesn’t seem able to be her own person, which kinda annoys me. But oh well. She’s nice, though I am kinda jealous of her. I bet Sean asks her to prom instead of me. Not like I want to go out with Sean…it just seems like a better choice for him to ask me to the prom instead of Tiff, but no, she’ll go with him, and I’ll be dateless on my senior year. Oh wait, Jake said he would go with me, but he has a girlfriend, so I want that to be a last resort thing. Not that I don’t like him, just…I’d rather not. I need to write more, but considering it’s so late, and I’m only going to get approximately 4 hours of sleep, I’d better go. Maybe I’ll finish this tomorrow and post…goodnight.