Just Jul Lee

Holiday Slumber

Holiday Slumber
Date: NOVEMBER 28, 2002

I fail to see the importance of holidays and the whole joining together of families. If you have a close knit, wonderful TV family, I am happy for you. Do not continue reading this for you will not fully understand my moanings.

Risking sounding foolish, stupid, whiney, etc. let me say I never really bought into the holiday togetherness hype. To believe all differences could be put aside for a day or even a meal is a wish not often granted. Granted, mostly, in holiday made-for-TV movies where the guy gets the girl, the friendships are mended and family joins together around the piano to sing 'Silent Night' in perfect harmony.

In all actuality, the piano needs tuning and no one can sing at all. In truth, family skeletons drag themselves out of their closets for another annual picking over the bones of past mistakes. And hovering over the half eaten turkey is the dark black cloud of past arguments, waiting to rain down the same bitter comments that sparked the first argument all those years ago.

Tears are shed in public and in private as the family falls apart once more. All go their seperate directions, the lucky ones go to their cars and their own homes. The not so lucky stare at the mess, simmer in the silence and vow to never do this again. Then, next year, the tradition begins anew.

I write these words because I was wondering why we trade false pleasantries over fattening food and feign happiness. Unfortunately, for me, the parting of ways came early this year.

Ten minutes into eating, my mom's away from the table, crying, my brother is wrapping up his corn on the cob in foil and leaving, and I sit at the table fighting the tears and depression that plagued me all day.

So, locked away in the bathroom, getting ready to go to my friend's house to play some games, I sit and pause only a moment to write my thoughts of the day: Thanksgiving 2002.

I wasn't looking forward to this day and here I sit, alone. Sometimes things are best left unsaid.

Silent and unsaid....

I guess I should have said something,
I should have joked, cried or laughed,
I should have sat backing in the chair, smiling,
The argument shouldn't have come so fast.
I fail to see the importance in apology,
When I know I meant what I said,
Like sorry would make it better, hardly,
So I left the words silent and unsaid.

Your tears don't phase me, just ignore mine,
I can't eat very much this year, leave me alone,
Everything is wonderful, my life is just fine,
It's a different year but the same stone,
If I upset you today, it's just me,
At least you don't know the thoughts im my head,
I swallow my fears, my tears, so none see,
Leaving my thoughts silent and unsaid.

Don't think ill of me, I couldn't help it,
The words come so naturally to me,
They always did, they always seem to fit,
I can't sit here and fake it, it just isn't me.
I want to be alone but not today, not here,
I want to disappear, vanish instead,
To say I'm sorry and remove the tears,
But I leave the words silent and unsaid.

Like I love you, I need you,
I'm sorry hides in my soul,
It doesn't matter what I do,
The words remain in the bottomless hole...
Unspoken,
Unsaid,
I'm sorry...

I'm going now.

I'm just Jul Lee, just a normal person with a talent, a talent others have as well. We have much in common...Welcome to Dragons Delyte and Faries Farce...Welcome to my world!