Just Jul Lee

Doubt Overwhelming

Doubt Overwhelming
Date: NOVEMBER 19, 2002

I have never really been a big person on trust. I automatically disbelieve everything told to me, automatically doubt every word spoken. I don't know why but trusting people is not easy.

I think of this today because tomorrow is the No Doubt concert. My friend won tickets to go and we had said if she won she'd take me and if I won I'd take her. I sit here now and doubt the fact that she will take me. It's even worse because she has kept both tickets so I have no insurance, no reassurance, no nothing. Just doubt.

I really have no cause for this. She hasn't shown unloyalty or any sign that she will forsake our friendship and shaft me but I can't help it. I'm a natural doubter.

I guess I see the glass half empty. My logic is that if you expect the worst you get the best, or at least better than what you expected. So, I go through the worst case scenarios in my head, imagining all the ways I can be disappointed and when everything works out, even if it works out somewhat badly, I feel happy. I force nature to please me.

I can't shake the feeling today. The minute she won the tickets I thought What if she shafts me for someone else? The thought has plagued me since.

I think it's just really bad today because it's the day before the concert. Tomorrow will be worse because I am working a half a day and then heading to the next town for the concert. The doubt will eat me alive.

So, I pose this question to you and to myself. Is it just me or is my doubt justified? Is it just me or is it human nature? Is it just me or is it everyone else?

It's just me.

Doubt seems to be my one true counterpart, my one loyal member of my fan club. I doubt too much, you say, maybe, I say. Doubt, reasonably, is healthy. Or not. I am justifying my feelings.

Hopefully, my next entry will be how wonderful the No Doubt concert was but more than likely it will be Doubt Overwhelming II as I write tomorrow, waiting for noon and disappointment.

Don't get depressed now. Everything will work out fine.

I'm just Jul Lee, just a normal person with a talent, a talent others have as well. We have much in common...Welcome to Dragons Delyte and Faries Farce...Welcome to my world!