letters to ...?

c----

Dear C----,
I like you, and damned if I know why. You've done some really asshole type things, but you always did them in such a nice way. If I could find a guy just like you but single, I think I could actually commit to him in a serious way. In so many ways you're like the perfect guy for me. You're so many of the things I've wanted in a guy for years. I kiss you, and little shocks go through me. I think about you all the time. And it hurts me so badly to think what you did. You have a girlfriend, and yet, you asked me and my good friend to go out with you. At the same time. And you made it seem like the most logical solution in the world; as if this was the one way everyone would be happy. I'm ok with sharing, but I will not be your second or third place girlfriend. I want you to be mine first and anyone else's second or third. I'm too dominating to allow myself to not be at the front of your mind in any bt the most casual realtionships. That's why I'll fool around with you, but it will destroy me. And I wish you could understand that. You know you're the only reason I asked her out. I wanted to hurt you, since you claimed to like us both, but you don't care. I just...

f*** you. You're such a f***ing dick. I know you just think we're a couple of cheap whores. And she is. She's my girlfriend, but I'll admit that she lets herself be just another cheap whore. But I won't. I can't. I wasn't raised to be used. It's not within me. But I let you use me. I let you hurt me. I let you rip my heart still beating from my breast. And still I want you. And still you claim to want for me to control you. You tell me I'm dominating you, that I own you, but you don't even see me. You tell me how beautiful I am, and how perfect my body is, but do you even look at me? Do I exist to you? Or do you look at me and see one of the others? Do you see my girlfriend? Do you see yours? Or do you see someone else, some other person that none of us know about? Someone that exists only to you? I hate not existing, not being real, only being convenient. And yet, becasue it's you, and because I want you, and because I hope for you, I let myself become nothing. For you. And you don't care. I hate you. I hate you because I think you're someone I could one day come to love, but I will always be nothing to you. And eventually I will become nothing to me as well, all for you. If only you could just once see me.