Just Jul Lee

A Day For Sorrow

A Day For Sorrow
Date: NOVEMBER 4, 2002:

Well, like I mentioned, there will be days when I would feel inadequate or angry. This was one of those days. Sunday November 3, 2002 my friend got married and my mom and I fought. This was a rehash of the fight that led to me moving out and living with my father for half a year, not talking to my mother for three or four months. It seems as if I relive my arguments but I think it is actually that my mom doesn't listen to my points.

Let me explain. I want to move out. I am twenty two after all. She doesn't want me to. I think that the only way she will let me go is if I force her to shove me out the door. Thus the argument.

The way it started was with the attitude I possessed on said day. I was in a bad mood and she was making it worse. As we drove down the road, she railed on me. I listened but did not respond. Years ago I learned that keeping my mouth shut was the easiest way to end an argument. I kept my mouth shut until she dragged my friends into it.

You see, my mom doesn't approve of almost all my friends. Their flaws are constantly up for discussion and I grow sick of hearing how awful my friends are. There is only one friend she approves of and she lives in a town an hour away. So, needless to say, when she chose to blame my friends, I chose to speak up.

This was a long time coming. I feel such anger and bitterness toward her because of our past and I have never expressed it to her. I let it fester. So, here I am, hoping to move out in a month or two and thinking of how wonderful living alone will be.

The reason I am writing this in this journal is because I need to express my frustrations. I hope to look back on this entry and understand why I am so angry and unhappy. I try so hard to live like I'm supposed to, to make the right decisions and smile and be nice but I can't. I'm only happy when I'm home alone or out with my friends.

I'm sure you can understand where I'm coming from. If not then I hope you can at least sympathize with me. I am not trying to depress anyone or confuse anyone. This journal entry was not planned or thought out so it kind of rambles and doesn't really follow itself very well.

I have been called selfish for far too long and when I mentioned this on Sunday my mom pressed that I was selfish, which I'm not. Mind you, everyone has days where they look out for themselves, where they want to buy something for them, where they are the center of the universe. I have had such days and I am sure you have as well. But, I currently give my checks to my mom, owe too much money on my car because of my mom and my brother, and am deeply in debt. Add anger and bitterness to the list and you have quite a mix.

My brother totalled his car on a drinking binge one night and we went to get the wreck. It had been towed. By the time we found out where it was we decided we didn't want it. But we had to pick it up and that cost a little over a thousand dollars. The loan company convinced my mom to pay off some of her credit cards. Thus, on a car that I once owed nothing on now has over five thousand dollars owed on it. And I am paying for it.

My brother just bought himself another new car. This is already his fifth car while this is still my first. He got his license his freshman year, got my moms old car debt free and lived the life of a drinker. I got my license when I graduated, on my own because I was eighteen, I got my car through a dealership, which meant I paid monthly for it. My brother has wrecked every car and only this new one, which is a month old, and his jeep were the two vehicles drivable.

My anger and bitterness spawns from the past regrets I never confronted and the daily slaps in the face I still receive. I appear to the uninformed that I am a selfish little girl that is never happy or pleased with what I have. What I have is a prison with the chains of guilt. I hope to break free soon.

Please pray for me, if you do that sort of thing, or just laugh for me so that the day will be brighter somewhere. I hope your day is going better than mine. Thanks for listening.