Daily doses

Where did I go?

25-Sep-02

I didn't have a particular direction or place to go today, wandering aimlessly through my life seems to be my latest trademark, and that unto itself was disturbing. I don't know what happened to the person that I once was, had I grown and became someone different?

There was a time in my life, not that long ago actually, when I seemed to be in control of almost every aspect of what was going on around me. The self confidence to push forward knowing exactly what was going to happen to my future and destiny was strong, and my will to succeed was unstoppable. It didn't matter what the people around me thought or what they said, as I knew they were only a part of my environment, and although I could not control, the environment didn’t have to dictate who I was. Growing up at home was no easy task. My father at that time was strict and discipline minded, I was too young to see through his frame of mind to really understand him, and I don't think I really wanted to either. I was in this sense like any teenager, unaware of who my parents really were, and trying to find my own identity in a time and place where identities of youth didn't really matter. Well, it mattered to me, and I was not to be deterred from what I thought was my destiny. My mother was always the one I went to for the things I wanted, and I usually got them, as I was not unreasonable or demanding, just looking for abit more freedom and independence. As I've matured, I've come to see my parents with a new perspective and a new found appreciation, although sometimes I feel this has come too late, I know it has helped to strengthen the bond between us.

I don't remember at what point my mind switched from that of an egocentric teenager, if I ever was, to that of a outward looking adult. It was at that time I started to reexamine aspects of my life that I thought were all but forgotten, funny how in serious retrospect and a different point of reference I see things in my past completely different that the way I remember them even happening. Moments where I thought I was on top of my life, I now see as mere stepping stones for other moments, some at the bottom of my life. I wish it were that simple, every moment a mere stepping stone to something different and new, although from on top of the stone, the view is different and while living that moment, it is almost impossible at times to see the next stone. I wonder sometimes how my parents got through these times in their life. It all seems so trivial now. My life flashes before my eyes as a blink of time in the cosmic realm of ages, and I can only help but wonder where has it gone, is all that time gone forever, only to be remembered by those who lived that specific moment. How many of these moments have there been, and how many have I missed, while trying to live one specific one out?

Through the years I have always taken time to reflect on my past and peer into my future, although the first was usually much more detailed than the later. These small strolls through the memories of my life are very revealing to me, and open up a whole new mind set as to the person that I not only was at any given time, but to the person that I am, and that I will be.


It was a moment not that long ago, that I seemed to know everything my future had in store for me, I was a teenager, and was in almost complete control of not only myself, but many aspects of the things around me.
I knew what I could expect for my future, and I was not to be derailed by the thoughts or concerns of the people that didn't see it my way. Rest assured, I was very self confident, and abit stubborn, as I look back at those times, I realize I might have inherited some stubbornness of my father. Growing up, I always knew he loved me, and there were times when he expressed it, in his own way, he was never a person of physical attention, not even of many words of caring, but it was there, and apparent to me, by his actions. Mother was the opposite, she would hug and kiss me like I was some cuddly little kitten she had found on the doorstep that was starved for attention and caring, she was affectionate and very life savvy, and our talks, lectures or even punishment speeches reflected this. Although at that time in my life her lectures at times seem to fall on deaf ears, and I considered myself to be paying attention if I managed to stay awake for the three hour talk, god forbid I fell asleep during one of her life talks, she might have to start over, where I dozed off, and it seemed almost an eternity at times. It was a weird thing sitting there with my mother talking, sometimes I would loose myself watching her, and although I was looking straight at her and could see all of here, it seemed many times that all I could see was an enormous head, jabbering away, this talking head seemed to envelope my entire field of view, if I tried to focus, then it only got worse for I could only see a part of her face, massive lips the size of my entire field of vision flapping away as if to consume me, her eyes blinking so huge I could only see one at a time, and had to turn to look and notice the other, lashes that seemed so big, if she blinked I could feel the air they pushed, like an enormous fan. That’s usually when I started to notice ho heavy my head was, and I would blank out, at which point, she would stop momentarily, I'm not sure if it was the continuos sound of her voice that would put me to sleep, but when she stopped, I always awoke, as if the comfort that originally cradled me to sleep had been taken away. It was usually my father who ha to stop her, otherwise she might still be going today. After he thought she had said her piece, or I couldn't absorb anymore vital life altering information, he would bring the punishment to an end. Although that was the punishment, at times the lectures almost seemed worse than what was to come after. I love my mother very much, in time I grew to appreciate her experience and knowledge of life, although neither of my parents were more than high-school, or military educated, I recognized their experience as a much more important education. In retrospect, I can now see that they at times didn't have all the answers they seemed to preach, but I do see that life is a ongoing study, of which very few if any graduate until death hands us our diploma. I see my parents in new light now, as an adult, as an equal I see them for who they really are, although knowledgeable and smart, they don’t' always have the answers, or maybe just not the answers I want to accept. I continue to go to them for guidance and support, it doesn't really matter if they agree or don't, I am forging my own path through life. That path today seems bleak and nothing like the future I had envisioned as a young boy at the age of sixteen. It is laden with many things I could not only not foresee, but many I wouldn't accept as possibilities for my future. I guess the obstacles in ones future sometimes can't be seen until you are ready to breach them, and then they can almost seem insurmountable. although I have overcome many of the obstacles in my path, this path that I have forged myself. I seem to encounter more as I continue down it. I was never one to follow the path that was previously forged by the many, I prefer the path taken by the few, or at times, none.
I am by no means against following in someone’s footsteps, but I refuse to become another entity that is nameless and at some point is just know as the 'masses'. This has come at no small price, there is a reason very few people have been down that path, is it difficulty? Is it that it is simply to easy to follow, than it is to lead? Today I follow the people who have the same ideals and goals, as I do, or as I once did, the self confident young man, full o energy, excitement, and almost complete control of his life seems to be hiding, or at least is no where to be found. At some point he either stopped somewhere on the path to rest and fell asleep, and I am all that's left, or he is waiting for something. I know he is still there, I can feel him pulsing inside my being, pushing to resurface, has the obstacles, moments and people in my life affected me so, that I have in the end become just....another. I am still searching for him, as if he were a long lost friend, that I just lost contact with over the years, I yearn to listen to him, and spend time just the two of us, that comfort that comes over you, when your with your best friend alone, just being friends.