Spasmodic Contemplations

Journal entry...How original huh?

Argh, how is that I manage to screw up so much? Geez, I just finished "talking" to this guy; I think I offended him. I called him a psycho boy, just kidding ya know?, and he's like, "What the Hell? Whatever...goodnight." Aghhhh, I didn't mean to! I'm such a dumbass...Actually, stuff like that seems to happen quite often in my life. I guess I really am a dumbass, lol, most people don't act like I do--so retarded and immature. But I was JUST KIDDING! Who knows...I'm such a paranoid freak. I mean really, logic tells me I shouldn't worry about stuff like this so much, but I do. Actually, I think I did in this case because it just happened to be the guy I was/am infatuated with; come to think of it, these instances occur quite often with him. It causes me a lot of unnecessary grief, but I guess that is my fault now isn't it?

It just hasn't been a good couple days, maybe even a good couple of weeks, but especially since yesterday. I found out that my racist, greedy, stubborn, self-centered grandfather who always wants people to feel sorry for him is coming to stay with us for an indefinite period of time. He might even end up living here...aghhhh. He had part of his foot amputated because it got infected, but that's only because he let his diabetes get out of hand by not listening to the doctor. I do not feel sorry for him; I feel guilty that I don't, but I do not pity him at all. It's his on freaking fault that he's in such a predicament. I don't see how my mom can still pity him and love him, after how he treated her when she was little, but oh well. That's my mother...I really, really don't want him coming here, but I guess I have no choice.

I saw the guy mentioned in the first paragraph, the one I like, holding hands with this other girl today. So, yeah, another reminder that he'll never like me. Even moreso he won't; he's already found two people here that he likes, plus the one that he's supposed to be in love with that lives far away. I mean, what the Hell? It just really hit today, how I'm so alone. Agh, I hate it! It's like...swallowing me up until there's going to be nothing left of me! And I have this fear that I'm going to go to college and get all the way through it without even going on a date. At this rate, that's how it looks, no matter what everyone says. I mean, how many people do you know that would want to date a person who can't see and can't drive and has general anxiety and is compulsive to an extent and et cetera, et cetera? Not many I'm guessing. I'm not going to find someone in college that'll like me back, or so it seems. I'm going to grow old and gray and never be married :(. Okay, so I'm being very pessimistic, one of my many flaws. Truth is, much as I think the above said, I do hold out a little hope.

As much as my friends depress me sometimes when they talk about their girlfriends, I do feel for them. They're so far away from the ones they love; I'm sure it sucks just as much as not having anyone at all. Imagine knowing that there's someone who loves you; you just can't get to them! That's Horrible! So we're all depressed together. I don't have anyone; they can't get to their someones...sadness.

I felt sorry for my friend today. When we were at break, he got called an asshole for no apparent reason. This girl asked where this other girl was. He said she wasn't there, and then the girl calls him an asshole? What the Hell was with that? It was definitely uncalled for. He did not deserve that. Argh, so anyway, we just kinda split from that part of "the group." We really have split, seriously. Sometimes we entertwine, but it seems like nowadays we just stick to the people we get along with best. I kinda like it this way. Less tension for sure.

Let's see...what else? It's late, I should go to bed. Oh! My friends and I have come up with an explanation for how people can get along, or not, or just be apathetic. Lol, it's great. You see, we're all like magnets. When you get along with someone, your opposite poles are facing each other; therefore you attract towards one another. When you don't get along, your similar poles (i.e. N and N) are facing each other; therefore you repel. The closer you get in the beginning, the further you repel away. Now if you're just apathetic, then you are too far away from the other to attract or repel. You're just there, ya know? And what if you got along before and then repelled? Well, the other person was only showing one side in the beginning, the one opposite of what you were showing. Then he/she let the other side show, and the similar poles repelled. So whoosh! You go bye bye, far far away--or maybe just far away enough to be apathetic. Well anyways, I thought it was a good theory.

I've (well, not just me, my friends too) developed this apathetic attitude...lol. People ask me how I like something, or what I want to listen to, or whatever, and most times, I just shrug my shoulders and say, "I don't care. Doesn't matter to me." I don't know. And with people too. Some used to really annoy me or piss me off, but now I just don't care. It's great! It's like, why bother wasting mind space on them? Apathy! Apathy! It's the best way to be!

All these masks that we put on...geez! It's like, hardly anyone ever gets to see the real person inside. For instance, not too long ago, this girl that I'm pretty indifferent towards now (used to be friends) asked me what was wrong cuz I was looking kinda down that day I guess. I just kinda shrugged and gave an evasive answer. Then today, when I was recounting this little anecdote to one of my friends, he said, "There's something wrong?" What? Do I really appear to be happy and content or something? I am one of the most difficult people to please, and I'm rarely happy. Only a couple of people know this--my closest friend one--but not even my parents...weird. I don't disguise it as well as my best friend though. I mean, sheesh, she's like the Queen of Masquerades. Everyone's like, "Why are you so happy?" But she's not, really. Maybe a bit more optimistic than I am, or others, but still. She's not always happy. And then there's this guy who is always acting like a psycho, maybe not that bad, but very different from social convention. People think he's a "freaky antisocial," but he has another side. He just doesn't let many people see it. I only do because of his poetry...sometimes through conversation, but very rarely. And all those people that go to church and sing in the choir and go on mission trips and stuff and then come back and do drugs, sleep with a lot of people, drink, whatever? What hypocrites! Argh, I wish we could all play one big game of Truth or Dare (without the dare) and let our true selves show. Well, anyway, that's enough writing for one day. I'm going to bed now. G'night!