Spasmodic Contemplations

Loneliness=Sadness

Yeah, Sadness. That's about all I ever feel anymore. Seriously. This loneliness is really, really getting to me. I was talking to my friends last night. 2 of them have very serious, very-long distance relationships, but at least they have someone. I don't even have that. I am single for an indefinite period because I do not know of anyone who would date me. I might just grow up to be an old maid, you know what I mean, the old gray witch-lady who lives in the haunted house with a hundred black cats who scares all the little children away? Hehe, yeah, I can just see it now...Run away! Run away! Anyway, it really is depressing. I know that my friends are filled with sadness too, but for different reasons it seems. They are sad because they know they have someone who loves them, but they just can't get to them any time soon. Whereas with me, I just don't have anyone.

But what sucks even more is that I KNOW that there are some great guys out there who feel the same as I do; it's just that they don't live here. There are few guys here that I would ever consider dating (okay, so I'm picky...), but they're all my friends. And they don't think it a good idea to date friends. They say that dating friends screws up the friendship. I really don't agree with that. I mean, that's kinda what I want, to date a person who is my best friend too. I think it is easier to start dating people that are friends, and if there is a break-up, well, if you were good-enough friends in the first place, you would still remain friends...unless you let yourself become bitter. Then that is your own fault. But anyway, yeah. So there they are, all those nice, sweet guys out there who can't get anyone to date them either. Isn't it just so depressing to think that, here I am--alone and wanting to find someone decent to go out with, and there they are--alone and wanting to find someone decent to go out with? Okay, so there is such a thing as long-distance relationships that work, but I mean, seriously, that definitely isn't a very good idea for me, considering it seems like I'm stuck in this Hell hole for quite a while. So I just sit there, accept compliments that make me shiver, make me blush, and listen to my friends talk about their girlfriends, and there I am...alone, as always, knowing that there is no way things will work out for me at the present time.

And then there's this whole intense longing, yearning to be touched. I just...AGHHHH. I can literally feel it, and it hurts, both in my heart, and my body. Sometimes, I get so depressed and lonely and wanting to feel affection so badly that I find it difficult to breathe. My chest tightens up, my breathing gets shallow, my head starts pounding...and my fingers tingle. Actually, my whole body kinda tingles. I see the guy that I'm so infatuated with, know that I will never be able to date him, and I get that feeling. I see his hair, his face, I dunno...everything. That is the worst thing, the worst kind of loneliness, to see the one person you love so much and know you can't be with that person. I just want someone to show some affection towards me--to touch me, hug me, hold my hand, and yes, kiss too. This longing is impossible to describe; really it is. What's sad is, when I talk online, there is someone who does that, types stuff like "hugs you," "kisses your hand," blah blah blah, and I would give ANYTHING to experience that in real life. I don't know how much longer I can take this...as long as I have to I guess, and there is no telling how long that is going to be.

I'm sure that my friends are concerned that they are truly upsetting me when they talk about their girlfriends, but really, it's not too big of a deal. I love it that they can trust me that much, that they think me friend enough. I'm always willing to listen to them, no matter what they have to say. I admit, I do get jealous. I do. I want what they have, even though they have to wait until they can travel that distance to see their loved ones. But at lesat they have someone who loves them back, who can understand them, you know? I want that so badly, but it is not my place to be jealous. They are entitled to that happiness/sorrow (depending on how you look at it), and I don't want to ruin it for them. It's just that, when they're telling me about their girlfriends, and then someone else that I'll probably never meet is telling me how great I am, I get just so....depressed and lonely. It's awful. I was in tears last night because of that. It wasn't so much that I knew a relationship with the object of my infatuation is impossible, but that I was so alone, and I'm so sick of it! It's tearing me apart, and I can't do anything about it. Okay, so I'm going to be done for now. It's late, and Homecoming is tomorrow, so I need to go to bed now.