what matters and why

re-evaluation

9/6/02
7:30am

I felt like everyone was looking at me, wondering who is she, why doesn't she say anything, and why does she think that she belongs here? I was so preoccupied with wondering what people were thinking and attempting to read faces that I forgot to have a good time. After that I made a promise to myself. I want to be myself, I want to be more open and a little bit stronger. I'm tired of pretending like everything is fine when it's not. I don't want to have that feeling again. I don't want to feel like I'm not wanted in a certain place. I want to know that I can have a good time without stressing out. So this month, I'm working on saying what I want to say when I want to say it. It's almost an impossible task for someone who all her life has just agreed with everyone around her and never formed her own opinion. I'm not going to be that person who sits in class and says, "well here's my answer, but I just know it's wrong." what happened to that self confidence that I once had, even if it was only a small sliver. It was still there. I could hold my own around people I didn't know. Now, I just freeze up. I'm so afraid of judgement that I rarely speak out at all. I hate this person. I hate the feeling that I don't belong anywhere. I hate feeling like people ask me to do things because they know I haven't got the guts to turn anyone down. So when my sister in law called the other night and reminded me of her invitation she'd thrown at me three weeks ago to attend a coffee party with her church group, my heart dropped. I'd forgotten even though I'd written it down. It was ten minutes before it was time to go, and there was no way we'd be ready in time, and prepared to hang out with their group. I was sick to my stomach while I told her we weren't going to make it. I apologized, and let her that it my mistake, it had just slipped my mind. After, I hung up and made myself not think about the fact that I had disappointed someone. I pushed it out of my mind and it went away. And in the long run, it won't even matter at all whether we attending that church party or not. It saves me a lot of stress and now she knows that I won't drop everything I'm doing do something with her. I'm trying to speak out. When I'm working with the kids, I'm trying to take charge more often, as difficult as it is for me. I always say that marriage has made me into a stronger person. Recently though I wonder if it's made me into a person with no personality. I've learned to keep my mouth shut at all times and mind my own business. But I'm not happy this way. I definitely need something, and if pissing people off occasionally is what it takes I think I might be willing to try.