Spasmodic Contemplations

Must Rant! Must Rant!

Yeah, me and my mom were at it yet again today. It's getting really frustrating...I mean, we rarely get along anymore, and some of the things she says just really get to me--they hurt, ya know? It all started because I asked if I could play in the freaking drumbreak for the half-time show this year. I told her that I would only have to go to like, 1 practice a week or so, and that I could get a ride home. From my point of view, it seemed like she said something along the lines of, "'Sigh' Okay, do the band thing, but if it causes us too much trouble, you have to quit." Yeah, I'm just a big inconvenience to them I suppose. So anyway, I told the band director that I could, got the music and filled out the forms, and then told my mom today that our first game was next Thursday. She was all surprised and stuff, saying that she most certainly did not tell me I could be in the band (which is a bunch of BS and I know it); she said that in fact, she was still thinking about it and was going to tell me that I couldn't because my mobility and occupational therapy sessions (since I'm VI) would take up so much time. I don't think they will; she just doesn't think that I can handle it all...ooo, school, band, mobility...scarey huh? Heh, not really. So that's how we started arguing...

She started accusing me of being very immature and self-centered. Okay, so I guess so, I don't know. I guess you'll have to be the judge of that. Maybe I am, but I don't think I am to the extent that she thinks. She said (I mean yelled) that I'm so concerned about going after my own affairs that I don't even care if I bother anyone else. That's not true; I do care a lot actually. I try to avoid it at all costs, but I'm not about to just sit at home, with her, 24/7 doing nothing at all. I love to be out doing stuff, being busy, being away. Then she started in with the, "Oh, you just want people to feel sorry for you, to pity you, because you're blind. You think they owe you because you're blind, and you force them to accept you. It's kind of like the gay people." OH MY FREAKING GOD!!! Do you see what I have to put up with? I thought she knew me, but obviously she doesn't. The last thing I want is to be pitied and felt sorry for. I never asked for society's charity; I just want to succeed by working as hard and just the same as everyone else. Does anyone realize how guilty I feel because the state is paying my college tuition because I'm VI? I guess not. It tears me apart, but I'm not about to decline them...noooooo. That would just be stupid. And I don't force people to accept me! How can one force someone else to accept them? You can't! I just have to hope that someone will, and I've finally found some people that would. How would I even go about that anyway? I don't have a freaking clue...oh, and the "gay people" part. How insular can you get? Okay, so I don't agree with it, but it's not like I hate them or anything. I don't speak of them in such a derogatory sense. So anyway, yeah. I'm not going to make it in college, I'm not going to be able to survive on my own, I'm going to have a nervous breakdown and won't have a life, they're not going to help me...blah blah blah. Oh well, I don't need their help anyway. When I move out, I'm sure I'll be okay. Yeah, it's going to be a big adjustment, especially for me, but I'm not going to just crawl up and die like she's thinking.

I think that covers most of it, the argument, or should I say the one-sided accusations. I can't really say anything back because then I'll get in trouble. Grounded or something. Accused of talking back, being a smart-ass (which I am, just not in their presense), because I want to defend myself? I mean, I have this today plus the usual stuff...how I should slack off on school and stuff, calm down, don't do so many clubs, blah blah blah. I don't know what the hell she wants. This is all getting to me now...been going on for about 2 months. My mom and I used to be very close, but now we're not at all. We've gotten to a point where, I think, we won't be able to get back. That is just depressing to me--a lost relationship. Sad...