Spasmodic Contemplations

The Usual

Yeah, here I am again, wallowing in self-pity, drowning in self-loathing...the usual. But who can really blame me? All I ever hear anymore when I'm at home is how much of an inconvenience I am to the family and how my mom can't wait til I leave. Gee, don't I feel loved? Honestly, I hate to cause them so much trouble, I mean, I'm only their CHILD. I'm sure this is getting pretty boring for those of you who actually read my journal; I mean, it just sounds so self-centered, doesn't it? Yeah. And anyways, I suppose I'm just going to be repeating myself from past entries...

Just got home from school a little while ago. Thank God my friend brought me home; I don't think I could've gone through riding the bus today. I wouldn've gone insane, well, moreso than I am already. All those kids screaming at the top of their lungs and the noise and this perverted guy who thinks he's so funny (though he's sadly mistaken)...AGH! I hate it! No wonder I don't feel like a senior. I'm still riding the freaking cheesewagon while all my friends are driving! It seems like almost everything that bothers me these days can be traced back to my disability. I need money, so I tried to get a job. I put in a lot of applications, but didn't hear anything from anyone. I suspect that it was because I can't see. Honestly, who would want to hire me to work in some restaurant? I know that I would be okay, but they won't give me a chance. And even if I DID get a job, there's no way I could get there. My mom doesn't want to drive me (though I don't blame her really), and the public transportation system around here just sucks ass. So you see, I can't get a job, can't get money, and therefore can't gain any sort of independence before I'm ust thrown out there into the world (well, not really--just to college) to fend for myself. Don't get me wrong; I absolutely can hardly wait to get out of here, but I guess I'm just a little apprehensive--okay, a lot apprehenseive--and worried about it.

I hate school. I know some may find that hard to believe, but I most definitely loathe it with all my being, well today anyway. I hate having to get up early and having to be around all those people, getting run over in the halls, and just hearing some of them talk annoys me. But that's okay I guess, considering I do the same thing I'm sure. I don't really mind my classes, ya know? It's just some of the people in them. They're so narrow-minded and ditzy and hypocritical...it make sme sick. And all that matters there is popularity. I ran for class Parliamentarian, and ya know what? I didn't win, and you know why? Because I'm not popular, course neither is the other girl that did get it, but she is moreso than I. I don't know. There are a few that I'm glad to see though, a few that I enjoy hanging around. And this one guy that I though hated me, it turns out, doesn't really hate me at all. We seem to be getting along pretty well now. So that's good, especially since I have every class with him. I don't want to get off of here and go study; that's one reason why I'm writing this...procrastination=my hero. I normally don't study, but I need to for this test...And I need to start looking over the mallots part for our band's drum-break. I'm not marching, just playing during the drum break so that I can hang with my friends and get into the games free. I miss marching, but my mom won't let me do that again--with good reason I suppose. She barely let me play pit...saying I'm too busy and stuff. That's a bunch of BS cuz I hardly do anything now. I wanted to dual enroll, but I couldn't get a textbook for the class because I didn't have any money because I can't get a job because I can't see. You understand how it all goes back to that? Bah! She probably wouldn't have let me anyway. I'm surprised she let me take the ACT again--though we fought over that too.

I don't know...I've just been in a really crappy mood these past few days. Getting depressed about all the stuff dealing with my vision, arguing with my mom over stupid things and then I'm always the one apologizing. And then there's the guy that I'm still crushing on, though I don't know why. Hmm, wonder if I should be writing about this...Well, I don't really think he reads my journal anyway, so I guess I can. I need to get it out. It just bugs me because I know I should be over him by now. It's all my fault. What could be done? Jesus, I hate it though. But when I'm around him, sometimes, he just says funny stuff, makes me laugh, and yet I'm still depressed. I try to appear to be happy, but heh, it's often quite difficult. I guess it's just that constant reminder that I'm 17, still single, lacking that affection that I crave. Me and my friend that I have every class with were talking about the conversations we hear in yearbook. All these girls just discussing their relationships with their boyfriends and their ex-boyfriends and blah blah blah. We both agreed that it is somewhat entertaining sometimes, but sometimes boring, and other times, just flat out depressing. I think we can relate to each other...weird. But, though it sounds mean, I'm glad to have someone who understands...well, I think he does. Like I've said before, I guess I'm just getting tired of waiting, tired of trying to be patient and wait for that "guy who will love me for who I am, who'll think the world of me" blah blah blah. I sure hope so, though the future seems kind of bleak right now as far as that goes. Actually, the future isn't looking all that great at all...Maybe it's just the mood I'm in. I'm trying to crawl out of it, but I think I'm so weighed down that I can't get up. Or maybe it's just too hard, and I don't want to bother...