je swee un LOSER!!!!

entry #3-Abby

I've lost my best friend. She only moved away a few weeks ago, but already she's changing so much. When she left i partially felt like i was never going to see her again, but i wouldn't let myself believe it. But talking to her, and reading things that she's written, i realize that she's never going to be the same person. People are like rivers, they're always the same, but they're always different. You never see the same river twice. They may lok the same, but the things that you can't see are different.The silt is different silt, the rocks are a bit more worn, the water itself is different water. She's already working on a different level from us, not a completely different level, but a level that's just skew enough that merely speaking to her is enough to frustrate me. I didn't want her to change. I wanted to know that in a few years i'd be able to get MY Abby back. But i know i'm just fooling myself.I don't want this to happen. I can't deal with her changing. I think that if she and i were completely cut off from each other i wouldn't miss her as much, because then i could continue to lie to myself and say that she was the same..but this way i have to watch her change, watch her drift away. This scene has played itself out for me too many times. Will i ever be able to keep any of my close friends close? It seems that as soon as i discover how much i appreciate someone something happens that tears us apart. I've lost a best friend to High School(we go to the same school, but the new setting tipped us and we slid apart;recently she slapped me for one of my jokes), one tomy own stupidity, one to my faith(I'm a witch and she's a Baptist, we had gone to the same church, but i had a vision that told me that i had to pay more attention to my true beliefs than to the beliefs that i pretended to hold, so i stopped going to church. We didn't survive that), and now one to Pennsylvania. IS this my fate? To have people get close to me, only to have something happen that causes us to be slowly torn apart? I think it's one of the cruelest fates that can face a being. And then they show no signs of missing me, or of even noticing us drift. Maybe I'm just a horrible person who forces their friendship unwanted onto ppl, or maybe i'm just irritating and needy and i turn them off that way, but sometimes I feel like they're glad we're not friends anymore. Abby says she misses me, but she talks about her boyfriend/notboyfriend that she left here all the time, and the conversation always turns either to him or to the guy who likes her in PA although she insists she doesn't like the fact that they like her, it seems sometimes like she's bragging about them. I wonder if that's what i sound like when i talk about my friends to my other friends. Does it sound like I'm bragging about my troubled friendships? Because I don't mean it to, it's just that my friends are the most important things in my life, and i want to share them with everyone else because they're so interesting. People tell me i talk too much. Is that one of the reasons my friends all end up disliking me? because i talk too much? From now on i'll shut up and not add my 2cents to all conversations that i'm involved in. If I'm less outspoken will i keep my friends? or will i only resent them? I started this out to write about Abby, but instead I've written about myself. Everything turns out like that, where i'll turn conversations and such to myself with out meaning too, it's just the only way i know of to ralate to people, by putting myself out there. I'm the only person I can change when i want to make others happy. Is this some type of low esteemed selfcentricism? Am I a Bad person? I ask people what they don't like about me, because i want to know what they think of me, and I'm not the most tactful of people. Trust me, I know. I ask them becausse i want to know how i could change to make myself a better person for them to be around. Is that wrong?