A chronicle of my life starting from June 21,
2002. |
August 9, 2002 It's been a while since I've said this, but I am in a state of Melancholy. I capitalize "M" for a reason. It isn't the ordinary definition of the word, but one that I custom-tailored to describe my feelings in times like this. My definition: A state of severe sadness as the result of recent events that hurt emotionally, and the confusion surrounding them. Now that that's cleared up, allow me to explain why. Tonight I went to a "movie night" thing at my friend's house. The Corvette was there...And recently my ideas about "us" have been along the lines of "maybe we can be friends again...Perhaps not the same as it was, but good friends nonetheless." My hopes were crushed at the end of the night. I noticed that the host and she had been sitting pretty close all night. I had my suspicions, but I suppressed them. It wasn't until the lights came on that I saw them holding hands in "the special way". Then a total rush of darting thoughts flew across my mind in a single instant immeasureable in time units. I've been kind of wondering about it all night. I learned that they'd been doing this for a little while now. I also learned that she didn't wanna "go out", but just be "close friends", so that a "breakup" wouldn't be such a huge impact. Please. Doesn't she remember what happened to us? We were "close friends", and it ended in my near-emotional-destruction. I don't know how it was for her, but it didn't seem to hard. My point is, just because you aren't calling it "going out" doesn't mean that such things won't be tremendous on the emotions. Especially when you throw in physical things like the "special" hand-holding. My second question for myself was, "Why are you letting this affect you so much?" Others around me are obviously oblivious to my feelings about the whole thing. I keep telling myself, "You don't like her like that...Not anymore." So why? This is what I figured (or justified): She doesn't know what she's getting herself into. She doesn't know guys. I've known her for a while now, and she easily falls prey to the projections and masks so many guys use. Nothing against him, he's my friend, and a cool guy. I just don't think he's right. I'm not saying that I am, but I really don't want to see her with someone that will just hurt her. So that's my whole take on this. Writing it down helps to sort out my thoughts, though there are some stray emotions that I can't quite grasp yet. They don't seem to have anything to do with her, but they came tonight. I think I may know kind of what they are. But I can't be too sure. I'll mull over it a bit longer. I just can't wait until I finally find that right girl that I don't have to worry about doing stuff like this. When I no longer have to spend countless nights sleeplessly, looking under the same stones in my head that I've been looking under for days. I hate this junk that people call "just high-school crap". If this is what high school is gonna be like for the next three years, it's gonna be long and painful, I don't care how much graduates say it goes fast. Well, there it is. That's the emotional rollercoaster that is my life. I just wish there was another rider. Recommended listening: Every Rose Has Its Thorn by Poison. I know I've used it before, but it just seemed so fitting. Goodbye again. ~ Dris ~ |