Spasmodic Contemplations

Gotta Get Out

I don't know what's happened lately, but I've just been getting really ill. Seriously, I guess it's because my mom is always on my back about how I'm weird and too anxious and too stressed out, telling me like I don't already know! Jesus Christ! Oh! Then she's forcing me to go to church and accusing other "nonChristian" denominations to be "cults," i.e. the Unitarian Universalists. I don't really believe they're a cult, so I started to stand up to her and then decided against it because if I do, I'll be grounded for the rest of my freakin time at home. Then she went on today about how she's so sure that I'm going to have a nervous breakdown when I go to college. What the Hell? She doesn't think I can think for myself I guess. She doesn't realize that the more she restrains me and tries to control me the more I want to get away and rebel against everything she says. And now I've got this passionate determination to prove her wrong when I get out on my own. She doesn't think I can survive without her, and it really pisses me off! I'm just sick of my parents' freaking tyranny! Lol, they're too freaking strict and overbearing and it's jusr really getting to me...Everything my dad does annoys the hell out of me, even though I'm sure he doesn't do it intentionally a lot of the time. He gets all ill at my mom and me when we suggest something that he doesn't like, and he eats like a pig and doesn't clean up after himself. It just, gah...

And then there's this whole dependence thing. Much as my parents annoy me and much as I would love to get my own job and be somewhat independent, I can't because I can't drive. I know I shouldn't feel sorry for myself, but that just, agh, is just too much to look past sometimes. You see, if I could drive, I could get a job in the nearby "city" where there are more places to work other than food restaurants, which won't hire me becuase they don't trust me to do a good job. I suppose they have good reason; I just wish someone would give me a chance! And what makes me even madder is, my mom complains about me always sitting at home and not being independent and then refuses to drive me to and from work? What the Hell does she want from me? It's not that I'm lazy; I just can't get there. And the public transportation here sucks ass so badly! They have these little bus things that run only in the city, then there are others that run out here, but only at certain inconvenient times, and then there are taxis that cost WAY too freaking much. So I have no way to get a job because I can't get to it becasue I can't drive! I am forced to be dependent on everyone to drive me to and fro despite my independent nature, and it gets really frustrating at times. I feel awfully guilty when I see that my friends have to come out of their way to pick me up so that I can go hang out with them, but there's just no other way. I don't konw...I can't wait to get out of here and on to college in a big city where I have access to public transportation right there.

And this whole ordeal with my friends...gah. What can I say? I wanted everything to be Okay this year, our final year in high school, but at this rate, it's not going to be. People just won't be honest with each other, and they stab each other in the back and hurt other people. My poor best friend here gets to hear it all, too. So-called friends whispering bad things about another "friend" that's within hearing distance. I can't stand it! Given one of them has annoyed me quite a bit, but I'm sure I have annoyed her too. Now, my attitude towards her is just one of apathy; I don't care anymore. Let her do what she wants, what can I do about it? Nothing at all, so why bother? And then there's this guy who seems like he just can't stand me. Who knows why? I've been told that it's mostly because I'm ranked higher than he is, and he's just jealous and his ego's at stake. Well, oh f***ing well. I'm not going to drop my grades for his friendship, but that's what I want--his friendship I mean. It's bad to see him all the time and yet he hates the sight of me, and he seems like he's alright once you get to know him. But it's just that whole accepting me thing...I don't know if it'll ever happen. I do hate the strained silences between us and all, but I can't do anything about it really. I try to be nice and friendly, but I don't know. It's just not working. Another guy friend that we hang with often, hehe, well, we're trying to reestablish a friendship I guess. I don't know if you could say trying, but oh well. It's better than it was back a few months ago. The only guy friend that I really seem to get along with is going off to college in a couple of weeks :(. All this tension amongst us is getting to me. I just wish we could all play one big game of "truth or dare" without the dare, and tell everyone what we think of all this. Maybe things would be out then, and we could try to work them out. I know we'll all be parting after graduation, but still, I want things to be better this year than they were last...And oh yay, I get to see them all again at school tomorrow...lol. Funness!