Spasmodic Contemplations

I Don't Know!

Everyone knows that teenagers generally don’t get along with their parents, and for the majority of us, it’s true I guess. But it’s always been kind of different with me and my mother, ya know? We’re a lot closer than most of my friends are with theirs. I guess that’s because she was almost always at home when I was little (and still is), and because of my disability and all, I depended on her more than other children depended on their parents. So now we have this great relationship where we can talk for hours at a time about various things; I can tell her almost anything. However, I don’t tell her everything. Anyways, I don’t think I could love anyone else in my family more than I love my mom. And many times to show how I love her, I clean up the house all the freaking time and stuff, trying to help her out since she has to watch my 3-year-old sister all the time and has to constantly deal with her chronic fatigue. She thanks me for it, and I know she means it. We just kind of help each other out, ya know? Like I said, we have a great relationship...most of the time.

But then there are those days where we just don’t get along at all. You see, her personality is so totally different from mine, I find it just amazing that we get along at all. I’m always really intense and anxious and just busy all the time. I love to learn new things and I work hard at about everything that I do. I don’t know why; I just do. She says I’m driven to an unimaginable extent, and it’s so true. I know that it is, and it’s okay with me most of the time. My drive and motivation are probably the main reasons why I am ranked first in our class--not my brains. I’m not saying that I’m stupid either though; I think my IQ is around 133 or so, or that’s last what I heard. Anyway, this drive of mine often, well, drives her up the wall (no pun intended). And the other day, we really got into it.

When my AP English test results came in, I got really, really upset--without anyone’s help...no one had to say anything to me at all to get me any more pissed off than I already was. I was feeling really stupid at the time, feeling like I had deceived a lot of people, including myself, that I was really smart. Guess I’m not; it still upsets me every time I think about it. So my mom starts griping about it too. And I suppose she had a right to, since my parents are the ones that paid the freaking $78 for the exam...a waste of money now. But then she starts asking me why I registered for AP English again next year. Why should they have to pay for another exam when they don’t think I’ll pass (and I don’t think so either honestly). Why am I trying to exempt college literature when I can’t even get passed freshmen composition? Why, why, why, why. Good lord! I tried to explain to her that, since I’m ranked so high up in our class, it’s almost expected of me. She has never heard those people in our class talk, especially the top ten. She doesn’t understand that if I take regular English, they’ll say that I’m practically cheating to get easy A’s so that I can stay on top. She doesn’t understand that I’m NOT trying to be like the others, that I’ve always been like this. And besides, I told her that I would find some way to pay for it, even if I have to save up my lunch money. Then when I told her that she didn’t understand that I felt like shit for doing so badly on the exam and that I had deceived a lot of people into thinking that I was smart as they thought, she said, “You’re not smart! You’re not!“ Insulting my intelligence and making me feel worse. And insulting my intelligence is one way to get me majorly upset and angry. Oh well. The AP English episode wasn’t what really bothered me though--I was expected her to raise Hell about that, and I guess I deserved it. It was the stuff that came later that sent me over the edge.

After about an hour of arguing and bickering about AP, she starts nagging me about my other courses that I plan on taking this year. I have to admit, it’s not the easiest schedule...2 AP classes (or 3 if calculus counts) and other stuff. I think yearbook is the easiest class. But why should it matter to her? She’s not paying for anything, taking the tests, doing the homework. Why should it matter to her? I have no freaking clue. But it does. She kept asking me why I can’t just be “normal” and take easier classes and ease off some on the work and why I don’t do this and why I don’t do that and blah blah blah. Basically, why can’t I be like her? Why can’t I be laid back and easy-going and care more about other things and all that. The truth is, I don’t know! I have no clue why I act this way; I suppose that most of it is just part of my personality. It’s just in my genes. Everyone knows that Asians are little worker bees anyway. Well, I try to excel academically to get scholarships for college, and I guess down there somewhere I do it as a substitute for having a social life or to get acceptance. But now I have a social life, so obviously it just takes a long time to get rid of a psyche like that. I wish she’d understand that I’m just NOT LIKE HER and that she’d leave me be! Why can’t she just be happy that I’m not getting into drugs and drinking and partying all the time? Why can’t she be happy that I’d rather read a good book than go party? Why can’t she be happy that I go to church, though now I don’t want to and she makes me go anyway? I just...AGHHHHH!!!! I just get really frustrated, and I almost understand why she does too. I mean, she has a son who she can’t get to do anything, and she has a daughter who wants to do everything and another daughter is just really rebellious. But geeez! She doesn’t have to take it out on us! Why can’t she accept us for who we are?

And today was no better really. I slept late (11:30 am) and felt bad, so I tried to make it up to her by going ahead and getting my shower and then volunteering to do a crapload of chores because a couple of our relatives who happen to be unbearably insular, prejudiced, and snobby, are coming to stay for I don’t know how long. So I do chores and get no thanks. And every time I turn around to go do something else, she yells at me because I didn’t do something right. Sooorrrryyy. It’s hard to do some stuff perfectly when you’re practically blind. Then she went to town for a little while to run errands, so I decided to get online while she was gone. I was still on when she got back, so she yelled at me for being online again and for not helping carrying in more groceries. I don’t get that! I wasn’t bothering anyone here by being online because no one was here! And they, my parents, always nag me about being online! I answer the call wave answering machine thing and I usually get online late so that no one is calling and everyone is asleep, but they still yell at me for it. I don’t get it; I tried to get online at the most convenient time for them, but NO. Nothing I ever do is right. I make good grades in harder classes and yet they yell at me for not being like my brother. But I don’t want to be like my brother, so oh well. So anyway, my friend was trying to send me a file that was taking forever to download, so I tried to hold off as long as possible, but she just kept yelling and yelling and blah blah blah, so I got off. And then things got peaceful for awhile, so I decided to call my other friend since she’d asked me to call her earlier. I did, and we talked, but then she complained that I was on the phone too much and that I was not to use it anymore today. I started to protest, and she said if I “snapped” at her again that I would be “dismissed” for today, which basically means that I would be grounded to my room for a week. I went in my room and closed the door, so she decided to make fun of me for sitting in the dark. I like the dark because well, the light usually hurts my eyes. And then she went to get her shower. Yay, a break. Or so I thought. My friend called back to ask if I could go to the book store with a few others, and I really wanted to, but my freaking grandfather and his sister hadn’t arrived yet. Why my mom even lets him in her house and then actually cleans it up to a sparkling shine I don’t know....bad past events...yeah. I told her that I couldn’t go of course, getting more and more depressed when she tells me who all’s going. And I’ve been wanting to go to the book store anyway. By this time, my mom has got out of the shower and has come back in here, and I was still on the phone. So she’s like, “Who are you talking to?” I told her and asked her if she wanted me to get off the phone now, then she gets this look on her face and comes and whispers in my ear through gritted teeth, “Didn’t I tell you not to use the phone anymore today?” AGH! I’m kinda pissed off right now. I mean, before she complained because I never used the phone because I had no friends, and now that I DO use the phone, she yells at me for being on it! So I apologize. I ALWAYS apologize. And why do I do that all the time? I’m the only one that ever says “I’m sorry,” but I know I’m not always wrong. What the Hell does she want from me? What does everyone want from me? I DON’T KNOW!!!!!