Spasmodic Contemplations

Don't Beat Myself Up?

I'm spending another night at my friend's house, and my day was going pretty good until around 6:30 pm or so when she took me to my house so that I could get another change of clothes. You see, our AP English exam results had come in today, and I was itching to see what I made. So, naturally, the first thing I did when I got to my house was grab the mail. After struggling to get into the envelope that held my score, I looked over the sheet of paper with much anticipation.

Now here's the deal. On an AP exam, a 5 is the highest score, and a 1 is the lowest score if you take it. In English, most colleges will give you credit if you score at least a 3, and I'm guessing that most of the AP class made 3's or higher. But NOT ME! Good Lord, I made a FREAKING 2!!!! How freaking sad is that?!? A 2 means basically, poorly qualified, or something of the sort. So I'm not getting ANY credit for that. And what's really pathetic is that I'm currently ranked first in the class rankings; so I'm supposed to be really smart right? WRONG! i bet most of those people ranked lower than me that took the exam made at least 3's. I FEEL SO f***ING STUPID!!! Ijust, I don't know. A GPA proves nothing, but tests like that and the ACT and the SAT and such more accurately show your intelligence level, and well, my scores aren't proving much except that I'm obviously not as smart as everyone (including myself) thought I was. And that really hurts because it seems like I have nothing else. I mean, I'm not athletic or very musically talented or good-looking or anything! It seems like all I have going for me is my academics, and right now, they're not going well at all. I know, I know, I shouldn't "beat myself up" and feel so down about all this, but I do! I take this stuff to heart more than most people...guess that's just my Type A personality. I just feel so degraded and retarded and like my intelligence has been stripped of me, if I had any in the first place. And if I find out that certain people in our class who just didn't write well (in my opinion) made higher, I will be SO PISSED OFF...not at them, but at myself, because I KNOW I could have done better. And the fact that I wasted $78 of my dad's money doesn't help any either. I feel just AWFUL about that...I do! I took the test in hopes that I would SAVE money, but instead I wasted it.

And the money wasn't even mine to waste! I really shouldn't be in AP again next year, even though I signed up for it. I don't really think that I will do better on the next exam, but I just have this feeling that it's expected of me, ya know? I mean, if I don't take AP again, the people ranked below me will think that I'm cheating or something to get an easy grade and get valedictorian, and who would think of me taking a regular English class and stuff like that? I'm expected to, and that's the main reason why I registered for the class again.

And what makes me feel worse is that I am having serious doubts about whether or not I'll make it in college...if I can't do well on a college-level exam, then how will I do well in college at all? Besides the whole fact that I am really immature and insecure and stuff. I'm afraid that, despite the fact that I am SO ready to get out of here, I won't be able to handle moving away. And how will I be able to take all those exams and write papers and dicertations and what not when I can't even pass THIS exam, huh? AGHHHH!!!! I AMN SO f***ING RETARDED! Jesus Christ! I just want this day to end...