what matters and why

summer

6/29/02
9:00am

The days are longer and longer. The sun comes up before seven and stays until nine. I haven't been bothered by the heat as much this year. We had a great spring this year, it was cooler than usual. Normally it will start to heat up in early April and never cools down again until late October. But this spring the heat didn't really come until June, like a normal summer. I have not been bothered by the heat this year. Sometimes I think I'm even enjoying this atmosphere. I can't help it but to compare each year to the one before, and last year at this time, we were doing so well. I felt good, our relationship seemed perfect, and I had good friends. This year, I'm struggling with the fact that things aren't as perfect as they were. I don't feel like I'm as disciplined as I was in back then in many areas, and I get frustrated with that very easily. I'm losing touch with my past, and even though that's what I wanted, I'm having a hard time with it. Last year there was hope that I would reconnect with old friends. Now, since it didn't happen, that hope is gone. I'm moving on and starting to realize that who we were then is not who we are now. I knew that though, yet I still held false images of what could have been this year. Not only that, but it's me who has resisted any kind of contact. I've avoided everyone I knew in an attempt to get over what was. I keep saying I want to move on but I know there is a part of me who still holds on to the past so deeply. A good friend is leaving next week, moving away for something better. It's a good move for her, but sad for me. Even though we rarely were together in the year that she was here, there was always the oppurtunity to spend time with her. Now, there's not. I liked that she would ask me questions no one else bothered to. That she was interested in me and who I was. I liked that she knows me better than most people, even now in my closed off existence. She, at least, made an attempt to get through or pretended to care.

In August, it will be five years. No one expected us to get through the first year, let alone five. I think back a lot and sometimes resent the fact that he wanted this more than me, that he was more prepared than I was. I wish I hadn't let myself get talked into doing things I didn't want to do. I wish I would have listened to my own mother a little bit more instead of wanting that freedom. Ironic, because what came next was far from that. I often wonder what would have happened had I chosen differently. The thing is, if I had, my child's life would not be as it is now. There is no possible way he would be as happy as he is at this time. He is so safe, so secure. He's so well behaved and I like to think that the reason he is the way he is is because of what we did for him. He deserves this life. Really, the only thing I would change is the minor details. I would have stood up for myself a little more, demanded my privacy. I would not have told people things that I did. I wish I would have been stronger back then. But we made it through that and it does me no good to think about it now. But I can't help but want to change things now. Wanting to change the minor details is really nothing. I'm happy with most of the choices I've made.

The older my son gets, the I am less irritated by my surroundings. It helps that he is old enough to participate in everything and understand what's going on around him. We don't have to be home for naptime, and we follow no particular schedule. It's going to be a good summer. We spend most of our time swimming, and as soon as my classes are over next week, I'm sure that's all we'll be doing. He is doing so well this year, and we haven't even done lessons since he was two. He dives in, he touches the bottom, he swims underwater. He's not afraid of the water at all. In fact it's almost the opposite and sometimes he scares me because he thinks he can do it all on his own. When he wears his goggles he looks like a little bug and I just want to laugh at him because he looks so silly. We spend time at the water park, but he prefers to swim in Grandma's pool because there are no "coaches" there, otherwise known as lifeguards, whose whistles upset him. More than anything he hates the feeling that he might be in trouble. He has never had a whistle blown at him at the pool, but other kids have and he doesn't like that sound. He feels safe at Grandma's house. Four years old is so perfect. I can only imagine it gets better from here on out as he grows and experiences more. His eyes are big and blue, and one is changing to green ever so slightly. His skin is tan from spending so much time in the sun. He turns dark so quickly, that lucky kid, his complexion is perfect. He had his hair cut extremely short for the summer, and he looks about six. I can't believe that only four years ago, he was a baby who couldn't even crawl. Where does the time go?