what matters and why

chance

6-17-02
10:30pm

Where do you find that balance between family and what you really want to do? For four years, I missed out. With work and raising my child, I lost touch with what I really had a passion for. And now, I have that chance to complete what I never finished. I have a chance to build friendships in an atmosphere where I feel comfortable, in a place where I know I'm needed. A chance to spend time with people who share common interests. A time where I can play to the best of my ability, to make up for all those years I missed.
"It's all about your priorities," he says. "Where they really are." Where are mine anyway? I don't even know who the hell I am or what I want to be. All I know is I'm a mother. Beyond that who am I? When do I ever get that chance to find out? If not now, when? If I turn down this oppurtunity, will I ever get another? Why is it that it's okay for him to spend time with out of town doing things that he enjoys, but when I want that, my priorities are screwed. Well what the hell have I been doing for five years? I've been doing what I'm supposed to, taking care of priorities. I've been right here, all the time. I've never put myself first, at least in terms of spending time away. What's one weekend? He might be okay with it if it was a friend thing. Maybe since I don't know anyone, it's a little suspicious that I would want to go it alone. But why not? I need that chance to expand my social capabilities, to be in situations where I would be required to communicate, to open up. Am I supposed to stay in this comfort zone forever, living in a place where I know exactly what's going to happen the next day.
I want a break from the ordinary. I have this chance, and taking it will cause stress on our marriage. Am I willing to take that chance? How far should I be allowed to go when making decisions? Why is it okay for him to go, to enjoy time away with people with whom he shares common interests. Maybe becuase I'm unfamiliar with the people, the territory. But when do you step out of that familiarity. I feel like I've been here for a thousand years.
If there is anything I missed when I made the decision to marry, it's that. It's those weekends playing games all day and all night. It's doing something I'm really really good at. If there's anything else, it's the bond with the other girls, that sense of togetherness when in that situation.
I won't say anything, as always. I'll only take it in stride, pretend like it doesn't bother me. And then later I'll regret that I didn't take advantage of this. It will be another issue I will have to beat myself down about.