It's Me (and I like 'em tall!)

mass confusion

This is a very scary time in my life right now. I told myself that I was coming home tonight and going to bed, not getting online. Well, after I left Sean and Katie, I pretty much drove around Port Huron for an hour. I have no clue why. I just instantly started crying at the thought of going home, so I decided it pry wasn't smart to go there right away. I just drove to some of the places that mean something to me. I went on a route that an ex (not Brian) took me on when I was unfarmiliar with Port Huron. I went to a party store outta town that Dave and I stopped at when we were test driving the truck he was helping me buy. I drove down a few roads that I've just always wondered what was down them, I didn't find anything special. Kent told me to come to his house, but I didn't want to be bothersome. I considered heading to Brown City, but I have shit to do here tomorrow. WHY THE FUCK DO I HAVE TO CRY?!?!?! I have no fucking clue where my life is going. In the past few days I thought things were turning so positive, and everything was going to be great....then reality sets in. I'm trying to deal with a rocky friendship right now and everyone keeps giving me the same advice. Everything isn't as easy when you're the one dealing with it directly.

I have to get a fucking job. Yet, I refuse to depress myself with a dumb gay job like a store or restaraunt. Why can't I just find a cool job, that'll make me happy?

I was just on the verge of a big change....getting over Brian. I realized yesterday that the new experiences in my life had allowed me to move on. But this sudden negative energy is pulling me back into old habits. I try to not get close to people and emotional with them for a reason, because they leave me. I convince myself that it won't happen, but it always does. Brian might be unsensitive sometimes, but he's always here when I really need him. It's not as easy to pull away as some people think. Sometimes I choose to move away from people because of conflict, but people usually leave my life....even if they are legitimate reasons. :( I love my friends so much. They are the world to me. My family doesn't understand that. But I guess when my friends leave, family is who I always have.

I wish I could just forget about everything. This is so freakin' gay. I just want to get a huge bottle with a huge cork, and shove it all in there, but lately I've been learning that it isn't "socially acceptable."

Well, my face can't take anymore tears. I should go. I just wish Terry wasn't going to bed because I really need someone to take a walk with.


~KIM