what matters and why

what it is

too much to drink tonight, lately, it's been too much almost all nights. In my fantasy world in my head, everything works out perfectly for me. I can't seem to understand why in real life, things never go the way I want them to. I am never the person I am in my imagination. Sometimes I feel like I am nothing and I've even considered that I need therapy. Just to get things out in the open and not feel like I have so much to hide anymore. I keep so much inside of me. what happened then and what is now should be seperate. By this point I should feel like I have thing under control. I don't. I want my son to be quiet when there's no reason for him to be. I can't handle incessant noise, yet I am a mother. It's part of the job. then, when I'm frustrated with him I want to cry because he is such a good kid. I chose this, I wanted this, and now, all I can think about is what if. Sometimes I can't handle it and it takes all I have not to lose my temper. If I admitted that I think that I would admit failure and that's something I can't deal with. It's the little things that set me off and I hate that about myself. He says that I'm more than a good mother. And I do the things that I'm supposed to do. But how do I know that I'm just not doing them because I'm obligated? Patience is a characteristic I've always had, and when I lose it with him, everything else I've worked for does not seem to matter. And then comes the ugly feeling, that I am nothing and will always be. that feeling, the one where I want to cry so badly but I don't becuase I don't do that. what if I'd been more selfish then - would I have figured out who I was or would I have only have made things worse. I will never know and it's probably for the best.


Today while eating I listened to two bitter wives discuss their relationships. All I could think was that they'd waited years and years for that perfect man and then they made children with him and still it's not good enough becuase he doesn't bother to unload the dishwasher when they leave for the evening. Who has that right to be so picky. The woman who called into dr laura who said she was upset when her husband didn't inform her immediately when his wedding ring had been misplaced. I guess I should feel better. Things are good for me. The only thing I can possibly complain about is what a neat freak he is. How I cringe when he starts looking for something to scrub. I know he's looking at me and wondering what the heck I do every day and why these things aren't done when he gets home. Thing is I know he'd do a better job at home. A better cook, a better housekeeper, everything I can do, he can exceed. Not in a matter of intelligence, but he is by far more effecient. But he does a better job supporting us also so there is no choice.

I don't want more kids right now. I want to wait as long as possible. When I think about caring for a newborn, I want to cry. I don't think I could handle any more responsibility now. I can barely do what's set in front of me.

I thought that I would be okay with that change and I am, but why can't I stop thinking about it. Before, it was so close, always around and the chance of an encounter was greater. Now its nothing. It should be a good change, a chance to leave it behind me, but then if that why won't the thinking go away. I'm afraid of being forgotten I guess. Of never having that important place like it was for me. An important something. Whatever it was. Or is. And why is it still present, now. Why do I still make that effort, when I know it is useless.

It is experience, I think that causes me the feeling of intelligence in this class for the summer. I'm quicker than the other girls in my group. I've never felt smart, ever. Today I did. And what an awesome feeling it was. I've always been too scared to admit it when I knew the right answer. But now that my right answers were validated and even praised, I feel ten times better. When I woke up this morning, I was average. Now I'm intelligent.