Spasmodic Contemplations

Self-Analysis

A person I know said to me recently, "I hate myself." Though the statement was very short, it definitely got the point across; I couldn't have said it better. I know the feeling. After so many years of wondering why people didn't seem to like me, I've come to the conclusion that only a small percentage of them hated me because I was different. I think most of them saw/see me as I now see myself; I absolutely loathe what I see--a spoiled, ungrateful, selfish, self-centered, self-pitying bitch. Spoiled not with money and material possessions but with attention and sympathy and getting to do whatever I wished for so many years. Ungrateful because I always took (and still take) for granted the opportunities that were given to me and not bothering to consider the sacrifices that people have made in order to give me so much. Selfish because I don't want others to have what I have or because I'm jealous because others have what I want. Self-centered because I don't seem to care about others at all. It's all about me and what I want and need. Screw everyone else's needs; listen to me! Self-pitying because I spend so much time feeling sorry for myself, wondering why certain things have to happen to me. Why am I even writing this? Because I'm wallowing in self-pity at the moment. When I think about it, I epitomize everything that I hate. It's pretty depressing when I see my reflection in the mirror and almost vomit because of what is staring back at me.

But not only am I selfish, self-centered, self-pitying, etc., I'm also suffering from some serious mental and social problems--I think. I'm way too anxious and paranoid to be normal. I don't know, maybe I'm just too self-conscious too; I care too much about what others think of me. I know that is a bad thing, but I can't help it for some reason. And I know that a lot of people don't see me as I really am; they must see me as being very immature and all, considering that that is how I seem to act when I'm around them. I just get so anxious and nervous and don't know how to cover it up. So instead of appearing normal like everyone else, I end up making a fool of myself. Then, I get pissed at myself because I acted so freaking retarded. But I want to let you all know that there's more to me than that. I'm just very insecure, which is another thing I can't stand. Agh! For the longest time, I wondered why guys were always falling all over one of my friends and no one was falling for me at all, and although she is my friend, she annoys the CRAP out of me sometimes...she's practically a typical American blonde. Anyway, I finally figured it out; she just has a lot more confidence in herself. Well, that and the fact that she's not as picky as I am--obviously. Oh well. I know I need to change a lot of things, but I don't know how or where to begin! I think the rejection over the years has taken it's toil on me and my perceptions. Aghhhhh!!!! I just feel so lost sometimes! I'm so f***ed up, and it's driving me insane! Linkin Park expresses the feeling very accurately in their song "Crawling":

Discomfort endlessly has pulled itself upon me
Distracting, Reacting
Against my will I stand beside my own reflection
It's haunting how I can't seem
To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(Without a sense of confidence, I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure

Crawling in my skin
These wounds, they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real

Whenever I hear that song, it's almost as if I can really feel his despair. It's hard to explain; it's amazing how a song can speak to us sometimes though.

So what do I do then? What do I do when I'm feeling so small next to my friends, a couple I'm thinking of in particular? I don't guess there is really anything I can do. I seek help from God but don't get any; I suppose I"m pretty hopeless then. Or maybe I really am as immature as I seem and I'll just grow out of it. Or maybe I'll remain like this for the rest of my life. Who knows? Not I, but I hate it all nonetheless.