Spasmodic Contemplations

Hell on Earth

I'm a little annoyed at my mother right now. She demanded that I get off of the computer. I know that it's 1:30 in the morning, but I was involved in deep conversation with someone. I don't really want to go to bed right now, so I'll pick up where we left off; I'll just write it out now and type it up later...

My friend and I were complaining about our parents (again)--about how tyrannical they can be sometimes, about how we're never good enough for them in one way or another, about how it seems like every decision we make is just not the right one. And they wonder why we want away from here? My gosh, is it that hard to figure out?

Besides the fact that we want/need more independence than what we're getting, besides the fact that we need freedom to make our own decisions, we simply HATE living in this small town. I don't understand how so many people can stand to live here their entire lives--perfectly content to remain here and not trying to see some of what the rest of the world has to offer.

What I want most of all, I think, is just more diversity. I'm a visually-impaired, albino, Korean American who is stuck going to a preppy high school where at least 95% of the students are Caucasian. About another 4.99% is African American or Hispanic (gee, big numbers), and then there's me, considering the only other two Korean Americans just graduated. Of course, there are always the foreign exchange students, right? Sadly (or actually I guess happily?), I am the only visually impaired student at both my current school and the one that I transferred from. That means, so far as blind people go, I'm the only one out of about 1,500. I just want to see some difference...Somewhere!

Although I am a Christian, it almost pisses me off that there are so few people of other religions around here. I'm glad there are a lot of Christians, but I want to see signs of SOME diversity. I think life would be more interesting if we had some Hindus or Muslims or Buddhists or SOMETHING ELSE here. I suppose there are some, but very, very few. And I'm sure those few get a lot of crap from their Christian neighbors. I know that we're supposed to witness to others, but they gotta want to hear it first. Don't nag unbelievers to death; it’ll push them away!

Know what else annoys me besides the lack of diversity and tolerance here? The fact that everyone seems to know everyone and their business; people around here are just so nosy! It's one thing to care about loved ones and all, but my gosh, sometimes it's just not any of their business! I so sympathize for one of my friends because he is the town's doctor's son. Everyone knows who he is, and I'm sure that that state trooper who pulled him over and gave him a ticket went back to the doughnut shop and told all his trooper buddies about how he pulled over the doctor's son. Of course, I kinda know how my friend feels. I mean, you just don't see too many albino Asians in this town. I've seen one other albino around, but she's quite a bit younger than I am. I've grown up here, and I guess people have it in their minds that they should stay away from me because I'm different. I've never really fit in with all those socialites, but that's okay. I think I've gotten over all that now, well, at least for the most part. Mostly now I try to stay inconspicuous, but I find that difficult to do considering my disability and all. Oh well. It'll be easier when I get out of here.

I wonder if my family realizes just how bad I want to get away from here and how excited I am to finally be a senior--only one year away from graduation. I know I keep saying that I don't want to go to UAB (I really don't), but I've decided that it will be oh so much better than this. I know that that huge city is a "concrete shithole" as a friend of mine put it, but at least it's a concrete shithole with some diversity. I'd rather go to BSC of course, but given my situation, I'm not sure if that's the best decision. And that is a LOT of money to spend on only a B.S. when I can get the same degree from a college in the same city for less than half the cost. Besides, it's only four years in hell; it's no big deal. I've already spent seventeen (actually about sixteen) years in this hell. I think I'll survive. Hopefully, the city will have a zillion times more culture and diversity than where I'm at now. Hopefully, there won't be so many nosy people, and I'll be able to kind of "disappear" for a while. Hopefully, people will be more open-minded and tolerant and will not have automatically decided to shun me, though I know some will. Hopefully, I will find it easier to make friends and maybe find a boyfriend because they won't be so freaking insular as the people here. Insular, gotta love that word, huh? I can't wait to get there. More culture, more diversity, more things to do, more opportunity. It's going to be awesome, well, at least compared to this.

So when I graduate, while so many people might be crying because they're gonna miss high school, I'm going to be smiling like never before because I'll be beginning a new, better period of my life. I'll be moving on to bigger and better things. I'll be going out there to face new challenges, and I plan to overcome them, despite everyone's doubts. My vision of what my future holds is what keeps me going every day; I am so close. Don't try to stop me because that would just be a waste of time and energy. I'm going to do this, no doubt about that.


Whew! That felt SO good!