Spasmodic Contemplations

Oh the Changes

These past few days, I've been thinking a lot about the changes I've gone through this past school year. It's somewhat astonishing actually; I feel like I have matured a great deal in some ways. And my views and opinions of pretty much everything have been altered almost completely.

This, my junior year in high school, has been one of the best--and worst--years of my life. Really. For the first time, I found myself surrounded by a group of friends who actually accepted me for who I am, flaws and everything. They weren't simply being polite to my face and all the while wishing I would just go away--well, at least I hope not. They genuinely care about me, and I know that one or two of them have been there for me when I needed them most. This year was also the first time that I "socialized" with others more than just at school. I found/find myself hanging out with these friends more often than I had ever. For once, I was not that weird kid who always sat at home on Friday nights. So, though I'm still waiting for that one special guy who will like me back, at least I have some friends now. Change #1: I now have a bit of a social life.

I must blame my somewhat altered ways of thinking on two people: my best friend and a guy friend, who, I confess, I liked for a while. And though I say I "blame" them, these changes are not entirely a bad thing. In fact, I ought to thank them for helping me see how things really are. But where should I begin?

I guess the most significant thing that these two friends of mine taught me was to be more open-minded. But now I often find myself disagreeing with many of the things that I have been taught my entire life. For example, I've always been told that homosexuality is wrong. Okay, agreed, I will never be one, but thanks to this open-mindedness, I become very pissed off with people who decide to discriminate against homosexuals simply because they've chosen an unconventional lifestyle. I read somewhere that an Alabama Supreme Court justice proposed that all homosexuals in the state be executed. Okay, let's just go out and kill some people because they are different from us! Oh my gosh, that is the most ludicrous thing I've ever heard! What insolence! Not too long ago, I heard that there was a school where one of the Harry Potter books was required reading, even though many, many Christians strongly opposed it because of it's subtly implied content (which, I agree that little kids shouldn't be reading, but heh). Anywayz, one little boy almost got into serious trouble because his mother really did not want him reading it. And yet, while stuff like Harry Potter is REQUIRED, in some places, reading the Bible is illegal. Now I ask, what kind of tolerance is that? Tolerance-the allowance to be or to be done without hindrance. That means for everyone, both nonChristians and Christians alike. Change #2: I hate insularity.

I do see some bad effects of this newfound open-mindedness. Lately, I have been seriously questioning many Christian beliefs, things that I've been taught to believe ever since I can remember, things such as, say, Creation for example. I'm not saying that I don't believe in God or in a supernatural creation; I do. But how did He do it? How did He create this amazingly complicated universe? The possibilities are endless! Creation is only one of many things that I have begun to question, and now I feel myself drifting farther and farther away from God until I fear that I will reach the point of no return. I do believe in an afterlife in either Heaven or Hell, and I fear for my soul. All I want is to get back to how I was before, but I don't know if I can now. In a way, I miss being the naive and insular Christian that I was. Change #3 (though not necessarily a good one): I’ve drifted away from God.

My friends have also helped me see humans for what they really are--greedy, selfish, egotistical, and self-centered wretches who are going to bring about their own destruction if they keep this up. Think about it. At this rate, our yearning for wealth and power is going to bring about a race of genetically-engineered superhumans (like in the movie "Gatica") and nuclear and biological warfare and ultimately the end of the world pretty much. Maybe that would be for the better, considering what a messed up race we are. Well, I don't know. We're not all THAT bad. There are some really good, loving people out there. Maybe there are enough to keep things from getting too out of hand. And though it's good to be able to face reality, and though I'm thankful for having my eyes opened, I kind of wish they hadn't been. Sometimes I wish I could have stayed like so many of the people around me. But it's too late for that now. Oh well. Change #4: I see how it is now.

I suppose that one other way that I have changed is my realization that competition and achievements and awards and such are not really all that important. It's sad that I thought they were all this time, but I guess all these other changes (i.e. the sudden presence of friends) have taken the place of what I used to think as important. I still have a tendency to be very competitive of course, and I am still going to try and do exceedingly well academically so that I can get out of here. But at least I've finally learned what things hold the most significance. Change #5: I’ve learned where my priorities lie.

So there ya have it, five ways in which I have changed drastically over the past ten months or so, like it or not. My junior year has been a mentally and emotionally turbulent one, full of highs and lows and some in-betweens. I've laughed and cried and been pissed off more than I have at any other time, but this is one thing that I would not change any of, even if I was given the chance.