what matters and why

two months

5/30/02

I met him through another friend, someone I hadn't known long. "He wants to meet you," she said and asked what I thought of him. I didn't know. I'd actually never given it any thought. He was always with her and even though she insisted on their friendship, I'd assumed they would eventually end up together, which in the end, they did, but that was later. She was with someone older, who really didn't pay much attention to her. She had a bad habit of falling for those types. We had fun together. She was always into trouble, but she was funny. I don't know if I'd consider her a good friend, not then. But we did have fun for those few months. It was her that got us to talk to each other. I was quiet, and him even more. I was flattered that he was intrigued by me even though he'd only seen me during the games. So I said I hadn't thought about it, but she it was set in her mind that we would meet. After that I can't remember what events played out first. There was the night at the party, by the car, when we kissed for hours. We'd drank so much by then that time was inevitable. Later that night in her room, she warned me about breaking his heart. I said I wouldn't. I told him I wasn't ready for anything serious. I just wanted to have fun and he was okay with that. Later we went on a real date. He even came and picked me up, all dressed up and looking nice. He was always making me laugh. I can't even remember what he would say. I was aware that he liked me - a lot. I was just starting to get to know him and I wasn't sure about things. I went out of town and he called every day. He was more than nice. I was thinking that maybe I could get over the past and be with him. I was starting to think that maybe it would work out. I wanted a change from the boyfriend I'd had for two years before that. So I decided to take that chance. I introduced him to my friends and they were impressed. He introduced me to his family. He would come over to my house and watch movies, something I'd never done with any boyfriend. I'd always tried to keep a distance between relationships and my family. With him, however it was comfortable. We were together every weekend. Parties and dinners with us alone. He started wondering what exactly we were, so we agreed we would see each other exclusively, even I'd never been able to stick to those convictions in any relationship. I knew I would fool around and I did. I thought that whatever he didn't know wouldn't hurt him. A month and half went by and I was the happiest I'd been in a long time. We got along really well. Despite my indiscretions, I considered him to be the perfect person. I drank a lot, with my friends and with him. With him it was easy, since he was older. He would follow me home when I'd had too much to drink. He would sit with me while his friends played cards in another room. The guy that my friend was dating stopped paying attention to her at all and she cried all the time. He was the one who would ignore her while in the other room with his friends. I remember that night, her in the bathroom, ready to throw up after taking to much caffeine pills. She wanted his attention so badly. She wasn't okay. She was the type to get a little insane at times. He had another girlfriend and she couldn't deal with that. I wondered why mine would always stay with me instead of hanging out with his friends. I wanted him to be a little less available. I wonder if that's when he started irritating me. He was always there, always. He wanted to talk on the phone every single night. It was the beginning of my last year in school and I wanted to be with my friends. He wanted to be involved in everything I was doing. Those two months went by so quickly, and my initial infatuation with him faded just as fast. He was too available, too willing to share everything with me and expecting me to do the same. At first, nights on the phone were interesting. Eventually, I was bored with that. I wanted more. He'd only kissed me, and I was ready to move on. I felt like he wanted to talk more than do anything else. Later I found out that he moved slow, that he waited until it was right to do those things, and later I would regret that it bothered me so much. He was everything my other boyfriend hadn't been and I missed the intense feelings that came with knowing someone for two years. It was too soon for this new person. I was immature and not ready for anyone like him. I started lying about where I was going in order to avoid him. I wanted my space, he wanted answers. Eventually, he understood and told me he would leave me alone. I spent my time with friends and my old boyfriend. I put myself back in that comfort zone that I spent the previous year in. It was too much work, I decided, to get to know someone else. I figured I'd have plenty of time for that in the following years. Little did I know. It was too much trouble when all he did sometimes was get on my nerves. I expected him to fight for me a little, but he didn't. He just left my life and I didn't hear from him again for a long time. I was aware that I'd broken his heart and probably stomped on his confidence a little, but I was very selfish back then. And I knew he'd pick himself up. He was strong when he wanted to be. It was months before I heard from him again, and then he was distant. I was back into my old routine, seeing the same people and avoiding anything new. I was occasionally very sad for no reason. I had other problems in my life that needed to be dealt with. At that time, he was a good distraction, a self esteem booster. He wanted to come to my game, and knowing my boyfriend would be out of town, I agreed. We kissed later that night, but this time instead of lying to him I told him the truth about where I was in my life, and that was okay with him. We agreed on friendship, and it was a good one. He didn't call every night like before. It was now and then, and he was busy with his own life and new friends. I liked talking to him this time. There was no pressure. Conversations were deeper and filled with meaning. Our friends liked each other and for a few months we spent every weekend together, drinking, just like before, only less was involved. We would kiss every now and then, but for the most part, we had a lot of fun. It wouldn't last, though. We both got distracted. Other things in life were more important. I was close to finishing school, he was busy making decisions about the rest of his life. I saw him one last time, and it wasn't something I wanted to remember. He was so intoxicated I don't know if he remembered at all. I don't know what I said. I was never rude, but my point was taken and he left. And after that, it was over. Maybe we assumed that later on, we'd reconnect. But of course, we never got that chance. Probably for the best. It never would have worked with us, and things turned out better the way they are. But it's easy to look back and only see the good things and wonder why I was so stupid at that time, why I only thought of myself, why I was so rude to him when all he did was like me. Stupid of me even now not to take that chance to fix those things. Maybe I am still a coward now when it comes to patching up my mistakes. The last time we spoke, I laughed. He was always making me laugh.
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