what matters and why

her

5/29/02

I don't know how to say what I want to in a way that makes sense. There was oppurtunity for me to approach her that night, and I should have. Soon as I left, I felt immediate regret that I didn't. The last thing I want is for her to believe that she was not an important part of my life, because she were. I had known I would see her there, and had rehearsed in my head what I'd say when the chance came. But I didn't take advantage of that. I didn't even speak to her at all. We didn't even make eye contact for that matter; that's the least I thought would happen. I did try to do that, as much as I could without looking suspiciuos. It was disappointing. I know it was up to me to make that move, and I lost the courage to do it somewhere in between watching everyone around me have a great time. What I wanted was closure, some kind of "have a good life," whatever. More than that I would have liked to say how sorry I am for the way I treated her back then. For everything I did to hurt her. And now, I'm sure, it's only worse. I hate that I never said goodbye way back then. If I were to go back, I would do things differently. I would change the way I was and be less selfish. I can't change that now but I think about it a lot. I'm sorry for the way it was then, and I'm sorry for not taking the oppurtunity to make it better now. I can't give even give a good reason why. I just got scared, thinking that maybe she wouldn't even want to talk to me now.
Funny how time changes people. It's been over five years. She appeared the same as I remember, that occasional faraway look in her eyes, drinking beer after beer and losing herself in the crowd. I know she saw me, but when I knew she was looking, I turned away. And I don't know why. I'm not scared of her. If anything, she gives me self confidence because I know she still asks about me. That's what is so bad. I know I'm not forgotten. I hope she knows that the reason I didn't talk to her was because of my own inadequacies and had nothing to do with her. I just wish that I could have told her that she's not forgotten either. That what we had was more than a good time together, that it really meant something to me. Without us, where would our mutual friends be now. I wonder if they'd even have met the people they did. Maybe everything does happen for a reason and if the reason for us being together was to make others happy in the future, then I am satisfied with that. I only wish I knew that she agreed. I wanted to leave on good terms. Like it was back then, a relationship that was fun. I wish I had a good reason for not approaching her that night. It will be something I'll always regret. Like everything else, I can't change that now. I wish there was a way to make things right again. I wanted to tell her what a good person I think she and that I know she will do well for herself. I wanted to tell her that occasionally I think about how much fun we used to have and that I wish that it could have lasted longer. Life takes those turns, and you deal with what you get. I like where I am now. Sometimes I even like who I am. But I wish I could be more open with people, with how I feel. I wish I could tell my old friends that I miss them and I want them back. I want back those relationships we'd formed back. Realistically that won't ever happen I know. But with her, I hate to think it was my last chance ever. The only thing I can do now is hope for another encounter where I actually say the things I want to say. Why am I so afraid of closure? Why is it so hard to close one door of your life and open another? I keep saying I want to move on but I live in the past. I know that if things hadn't turned out the way they did we would still be good friends. I miss that kind of friendship.