what matters and why

remember when

5/28/02
8:00am

I don't want to be sad anymore about the past. I'm tired of constantly debating the what ifs. It's impossible, sometimes, to not think about it. But I know it does me no good now. It's just a waste of time. Still, I cannot help it to go back every now and then and contemplate what might have been. I feel like I've sacrificed everything I ever wanted and more. I've given all I have to everyone else. The life that I chose leaves me little room for myself. I knew that back then, though. I knew it would be hard. There was no surprise when those feelings came along. The surprise is that we've made it this far and we've done so well. What I didn't expect was to lose all my friends in the process. I hate feeling like a stranger when I see people from the past. I hate it that they don't know me anymore. It takes so muce's h to get close to me now and it's a lot of work. Who would want to do that anyway. More than anything, I want to move on and leave everything behind me. I want to stop thinking so much. I want to concentrate on my life now. My future goals and dreams. I still have them, they've only changed. I would like to cut off all ties from before, on the other hand, it's such a big part of my life. I've never been so conflicted.

He's looking into a job in another city. It's something I've wanted for so long. I feel like that will help me start over. Yet pulling my son away from the family that he's had such strong bonds with would be so cruel. He has a great life here. He's got everything set for him. In choosing what we did, I know we did the right thing. I know it every time my child smiles. A new place could be difficult. Maybe a little selfish on our part. It's something I want for me but also something that may not benefit him. I feel so trapped sometimes. In the same place that I lived for too long, a place that constantly reminds me of things I don't want to think about. We've talked about going for a few years and coming back, just to experience something different. It's hope, for me, to know that someday we may not be in same place anymore, doing the same old stuff and seeing the same old people.