what matters and why

past and away

4/19/02

It's been a while and I have no good reason. Funny how many times I wanted that connection, yet when I made an attempt a while back, I was only left with an ugly, imcomplete feeling. Like I was doing something so horribly wrong. Millions of things that happen and I want to share them, but doing that never makes it go away. All those years ago I made the decision to cut off all contact. Yet I failed to follow through. I made that decision for fear that a weak moment could come up and it would be too easy to turn to the wrong place. Still I don't know why I didn't initiate any closure. Sadly, I question my own judgement, my character at that time. Obviously, I was not ready for what I chose. I really struggled for a while. I wasn't completely unhappy but it would only take something small to go into emotional misery. It wasn't easy then, it's not now. But it's getting better. Better than I expected, even. By not allowing closure I left that door open and I don't know why. I had no problem leaving most things in my life behind, even some good friends. I thought that those other memories would fade also. In fact it was quite the opposite and I spent so much time wondering what if? What I would say if contact would spontaneously occur. In the beginning, I think, I was scared to let anyone in, for fear that my guard that I'd put up would be easily seen through. I couldn't deal with disapproval. for some reason, that opinion meant so much to me. If I'd heard doubt, it would have only reinforced my own doubt. I could not deal with that so I avoided it.

So what now, after all this time. There is no easy way. I wish I could express how well I'm doing how happy I am most of the time, the things that I'm doing to overcome the odds and all that I've accomplished already. I've played that scene over and over again in my head and I know that it would never be as good as I'd imagined. Reality rarely lives up to expectations. I don't know anything now, all I know is what was then, and what relevance does that have now? I don't know if this is simply a friendly gesture or to fill an empty void. And what if I respond. I would enjoy the excitement but at what cost. Approval would mean so much to me. I would expect an immediate connection, and the chances of that probably wouldn't be good. It's not that easy for me. And if it didn't occur, it would only cause disappointment. But if it did what then? I've come too far to go back now. It would cause confusion, which I don't want. I'm secure and safe now, why should I disturb that. All it would take is one careless mistake and consequences could be endless. What I have changes everything. I can't afford to be selfish.

It would never work, I can't deal with the stress of dishonesty. And how fair is that? Even if nothing is expected, there is so much more oppurtunity and time should not be wasted on myself. Why bother. It would only cause me to wonder what if and I don't want that. I want to move forward. So if this is such a big inconvenience why is closure so difficult. Seems like it should be easy to end that part of my life. It's like I'm waiting for events to play out without my interaction, for that perfect moment in time where everything will be out in the open, no more wondering what's mutual and what's not. In reality it would never happen that way. The liklihood that I would so easily open up is very slim. To get to point that would take time and that I don't have. I don't want to deal with this anymore.