what matters and why

a certain time

3/23/02
12:30am

It will never be the right time. Events rarely fall into place the way we would like them to. People are not always the same as you imagine. What I think would happen and what would occur in reality are two different things. But to know that I meant something means so much to me, and to think that what happened then still exists in some way now helps a little bit. Isn’t that all I wanted? To know that I left an impression, or at least some mutual feeling. To know that I will not be forgotten in this lifetime. To know that we share those rare occasions when reminded of a certain time and place. I’d assumed all this time that the pain I felt came from my own situation and that I brought it on myself from simple boredom. With what’s come up now, even though so simple, it’s reassurance that I’m not alone in these irrational feelings. Maybe it was not only myself who had to deal the intense emotional feelings that came with separation. I can go for weeks, even months, this year and it won’t even cross my mind. Then something comes up, and I relapse. Only occasionally do I think about what happened in the past, but more often I wonder what would have happened and why I’m so scared to share my life now. So much that I have to say but I can’t for fear of the consequences. But how do I distinguish between natural feelings of monotony that four and half years of marriage brings, or true feelings of regret. There is no way for me to know what is going through that brain. I am so afraid of disappointment, the realization that feelings are not mutual that what I’ve gone through in my strength was for nothing. I would like to know for sure that what I think they should feel is true. And not only myself living in some fantasy world. My expectations are unrealistic. It’s hard sometimes to distinguish between what is real and what I imagine. I can’t expect people to be someone they’re not. What changes it now is that I know I’m not only the pursuer; that at least I cross that brain every now and then or else I would not be writing. So what now? I could ignore it and go on as it is, imagining in my head how it should be when reunited. I respond and then will be immediately disappointed due to the lack of positive feelings. Not only that but more importantly I will be guilty of wrong doing and most likely will not be able to cover that up. Even when no wrong was done. I didn’t care then but it’s a whole different story now. Times like this it takes all my strength not give in to my feelings of vulnerability. If I did what kind of person would that make. I could so easily have a weak moment and turn to the wrong place and screw up everything that I’ve worked for. Maybe I should stop analyzing everything so carefully. Then what? Should I just act on impulses without considering consequences. What I want most is reassurance that I am not insane for holding on this long, for still going back to that time and place. To know that I am not alone in what I feel and the strength the emotions involved is mutual. I’m so scared that if I choose to react to this that I will be disappointed once again because it won’t be what I expected. What I played over and over again in my mind. Whatever the choice, it won’t be easy. Seems like such a simple solution. I’m so afraid of screwing up when things are going so well.
Maybe I should drink more and make even less sense.