what matters and why

unpredictable

2/22/02
11:50pm

Am I fooling myself – am I not who I think I am? Funny how security can change so quickly, happiness that was there one day is gone the next. Back to a time and a place that I don’t want to remember. Emotions that either I have not felt in so long, or that I have suppressed. I don’t know which and I can’t explain why I did what I did, why I felt what I felt. And what did I expect of him? To hate me forever? How did I know that as soon as I returned, everything would be normal and predictable? Things that I love about my life, the predictability especially and today I hated that. It’s been years since I have felt anger like that. I’ve felt hurt and rejection, but not anger. Not like I used to. It brought back such horrible memories. Nights that I spent alone, wonder what could have been. Why things turned out the way they did. I thought I’d grown past that. I thought that I’d matured in a way that was not reversible. So much for my security, my confidence. So I wonder if I’ve been fooling myself all this time. Can someone get into a life so deeply they never turn back? Maybe it’s possible that I told myself something so many times it came true. The life that I always wanted I had, it just didn’t come the way I thought it would, but did I make myself believe that it was okay. Would it be better if this was four years later in life? Would that make any difference or is there only something wrong with me? I don’t cry, I am not emotional, but in that time I couldn’t stop. Nothing I did would make those feelings go away, so I made irrational decisions. Only a short time, and then back to normal. It doesn’t make sense and I hate it when my life doesn’t make sense. I want to be able to rationalize everything, to say that there is a reason for each destiny. Today all the pieces to my life’s puzzles did not fit. It wasn’t like before, it was a different kind of despair. And that he understands so well and what I did doesn’t even matter. Do I want it to? Why can't I open up? What kind of person am I if everytime I feel something so strongly I just run away, or turn my head. Have I lost all feeling. I just can't deal with any kind of strong emotions. Maybe it's like an immune system, the more you keep building it up, the more it can take. Strong on the outside, but what's on the inside. Have I become empty? I envy those who can easily touch, who can cry in front of others. I can't remember the last time I cried in front of anyone besides my husband. No one is allowed to see that side of me, like it doesn't even exist at all. And when it gets out of hand, I am at a loss. What would I do if someone close to me was not here anymore.