Dreamland

Deep Relaxation

I'm at the mall with my son. We're looking at the people in those water-massage cylinders that have recently become popular. The time is up on one of the cylinders. It opens, and a middle-aged guy gets out. "You gotta try it, it's amazing!" he says to me. "It's the most relaxing thing I've done in my life!"

I'm kinda skeptical, but the guy running the thing talks me into it. "Ten bucks for five minutes, twenty bucks for fifteen," he says. I give him a ten, and tell Nick to have a seat on one of the benches to wait. "If it seems OK, you can go next," I tell him.

"We've added a new feature, something to get your adrenaline going." He says as he straps me on the table. "We've found that getting the water massage after an intensive fear-producing reaction creates a state of deep relaxation. You don't have any history of heart trouble, do you?" he asks.

"Uh, no," I say, uncertain of where this is going.

"OK, here you go!" he says.

The table I'm strapped to begins to slowly be pulled backwards. I look over my shoulder, behind me. I didn't notice this before, but the table is mounted on a steel roller coaster track, which winds its way up three levels to the top of the ceiling of the mall. As I'm being pulled up, I spot a friend of mine, Mike, on the second level. He's a bit actor who's been in a few movies. He's here with his girlfriend. I call out to them; they wave up at me.

As I approach the top of the mall, the ride slows to a stop. It's a long way down and I know what's coming next…

Suddenly I'm hurling down the track, twisting and turning, the table jerking me against the restraints. It feels like they may come loose, in which case I'll fall to my death on the cement floor below. I grip the sides of the table with all my might and scream! The speed is increasing, as I approach the end of the run. I shut my eyes. How the hell will this thing stop in time! I'm sure I'll crash at the end be killed!

The table brakes hard at the last minute, my body straining at the safety belts. I've come to a stop directly underneath the cylinder, exactly as they planned. I'm so relieved to be alive that I laugh like a madman, just like I did the time I went bungee jumping several years ago.

The operator closes the cylinder on me; and the water jets start to massage my back. I totally relax as the adrenaline drains from my bloodstream, thoroughly enjoying the massage. All too soon my five minutes are up. The cylinder opens and I step out. Mike is standing there with his girlfriend. "How was it?" he asks.

"Oh man, you gotta try it!" I tell him. "It's the most relaxing thing I've done in my life!"