letters to ...?

R-----

Hey R----,
I'm SOOO not over you. A month late and i still cna't deal. I need closure. When things just stop they never end. They nag at the back of your mind, not going away, only getting easier to ignore, but popping out late at night contaminating your sleep and your dreams with their leprosy of dis-ease.
Think of it as a baseball game, 7th inning stretch..th game's tied, bases are loaded, everyone's working their asses off, leading to one of those REALLY interesting games...when all of a sudden.. out of no where -Lightening (BAM!!!!)-thunder(BOOM!!!!!!!!!!) everyone rushes for cover... they'd been so involved, they never saw the storm coming. The game is halted-stopped-frozen in time...just like we were...Now, imagine that for somereason the two teams never got a chance to face each other again, never got to see who would have won...I left a part of me there...Part of me is still sitting there on those steps...frozen with you...frozen forever.
As if it weren't enough for fate to leave us all open-ended like that, it had to be worse. There are things you don't know, at least i think u don't...I don't know if you could tell...either from the kiss or from my actions after wards...but that was my first honest-to-god-open-mouthed-hey-don't-swallow-my-spleen kiss. So guess what? Whether we like it or not you'll always be a part of me. That's more than you deserve. You know what else? I truly feel for you, and, unlike my friends, i dont develop those big crazy crushes all that often. I get them maybe once or twice a year...if that, and when i do get them they don't just go away, as much as i want them to, as much as they hurt.
As i write this, i get this huge lump in my throat, and i pray i don't cry...You have so much power over me..don't make me give you my tears on top of everything else. I hate admitting all this, even if my confessions will never reach your ears.
I want you...with every ounce of me...o gods how i want you. There's a part of me that keeps thinking...maybe..if I'd done more..,maybe, if i'd gone for..If i'd given u what u wanted...maybe things would be different.And part of me hates that first part for being so damn pathetic...so typical...so submissive.
In the quiet, i relive it...I can taste you...still feel your lips on mine...still feel your hands on my skin....I don't want to think about it anymore..don't want to think about you...feel for, ache for you. I want you to get the f*** out of my life, out of my head, out of my heart....I want to let go..but i can't. Because, somewhere deep down inside i hope. I still f***ing hope. I hope that maybe we got our signals crossed; maybe we confused each other;maybe you want me as much as i want you..maybe you care...maybe it scares you...maybe...maybe..maybe i'm just a stupid little teenage girl, letting her hormones and her emotions control her. I don't know. I don't f***ing know.
I try to act like I'm over you. Part of me believes that if I can act well enough, strong enough, hard enough, long enough...Maybe if i can fool you and fool my friends then i can fool myself too. Can i brainwash myself? I hope so.. because, my love, right now it seems like the only way.
I have to face you, all smiles, all fake..i hate lying to you..I hate lying to my bestfriend too...I can't tell her...she's becoming such a part of your life...almost a part of your family. She truly likes your brother...it would have been so beautiful...Her with him, me with you...what went wrong? why am i all alone?
Why all the lies?