I knew this would happen...

tears

I think it is over, of course I have thought this before. I feel so much stronger after having been with you, then gradually my strength leaves me. The other night I watched from across the room as you lay sleeping, and the tears came. What would that child have looked like? How could I ever make you understand that to look at you now is so painful, so necessary. I see your beautiful lashes on the face of innocence, I imagine the love we would have had for this baby, I know you will never understand.

Selfish, I am.

I want you to know it, I want you to feel it, but I do not want to open myself to you that way. Can it really be safer to hide away in my own world of pain, and harbour all the hurt. It is as if I realise, that I just might have a day without tears, and then I think, "Hold on a second, how dare I be happy, get back in the hole of hell". Is it fair that I should bring someone else into my misery? Or do I like to wallow in it on my own, unrestricted, to mourn for as long as I can.

Perhaps one day my strength will return, and I will be able to move ahead and love myself again. I know that I am capable of love, although I have not felt it in such a long time. How can it be the same? It cannot, but can a person who has been so scarred by love ever truly love again? Or will I forever live in the shadow of lost loves, and never let the present shine?