I knew this would happen...

then

I met up with you on a night out, we went home together, spent the night together - nothing sexual. This is the morning, this is when I knew, right away. I came home and said to two of my friends, that this man was going to hurt me, I could feel it, and I should end it before it even began. Every time the memory of your arm around me that morning went through my head, I would again be struck by this horrible premonition. How could something that made me feel so good, feel so right, how bad could it really be?

I get ahead and then behind myself, the distant so recent, the recent so distant. The feelings so different from what they once were, the protective shell taking over, or at least wanting to.
This morning I lay with my head on your chest, looking at my fish through my sleep tousled hair, and wishing I could just love you.
I wonder at the game, the hurting to healing, and rehurting. For days I sit and suffer the pain of our breakup, accepting that it is over, that you cannot see a future with me, the pain is real, you don't want me.
Then you are calling me, then you are at my door, then you are touching me, then I am asking myself why this is happening again. I say I will talk about it to him.

I always have these conversations in my head, it is like they are ongoing, and so sad. All these silly little chit chats we are not really having, because we never really talk. We don't talk, and then when we do, it seems we reach some nice understanding, then it's like we never talked at all.