what matters and why

hatred

1/5/01
11:05am


I’m not crazy; I’m really not. I’m trying so hard to like her. I don’t trust her. I think that every intention is not good. Every time she speaks, I tense up. Who knows what will come out of her mouth next. I’m trying so hard to understand. Why is it that she is so willing to take a job any place that I have a connection to; that I know someone? Yet if I recommend something I’m not familiar with, she’s not interested. Every time I am around her, I say something that I immediately wish I could take back. I regret everything I say knowing that she will use it against me later. I wish that I didn’t have to talk to her at all. Somehow after all we’ve done to help, she can still make me feel guilty for not doing more, for not involving myself more in her life even though I feel like I do too much already. That family does not seem to understand that we need time alone. And the other, if your at her house, you are there to help but god forbid that you help her in some way that she does not approve or she will let you know. It’s all so stressful and I don’t know how he deals with that all the time. I can’t. I think deep down inside she hates me, or she is so jealous of our life and wishes she had not chosen her own; that her husband was not who he is but someone else. I think she wants to punish me for having it so good. Why is it my problem? Why am I always obligated to do more, as if what I already do for her is not enough? I have tried so hard to trust her and I can’t. Every time I do, it backfires on me. She’ll immediately say something with the intent of hurting me. I wonder why. Is it only me. Do her own friends feel that also? I think she is so insecure that she cannot keep it all inside so she manipulates and deceives and may not even realize what she’s doing. It just makes me so mad that I have to be included; why do I let myself. I wish I was rude and snobby and then I wouldn’t feel like I had to be so nice. I wish that she wouldn’t try and make me feel bad about myself. I feel like it’s always a competition, between me and her or herself and someone else. She takes care of her child, but maybe too much, if that’s possible. Her child is immaculate, and always appears perfectly adorable, never a spot on her. Is it a control issue? What about herself that she seems to neglect. I don’t know anyone else who immediately wipes the cracker crumbs off their kid’s shirt, as if someone will think they are a bad parent. Is that what she’s so worried about? A part of me feels so bad for her. I don’t even know what she goes through. And the baby. What kind of life is she in for? I really think that she hates me, and not only me, but lots of people. I think she’s angry and insecure and very, very jealous. And is constantly out to prove that she is better no matter what. I’m trying I am trying so hard and I cannot do this. I feel like it’s all give and no receive in return. It’s not healthy, she is not healthy, I really think that there is something wrong. It’s easy to blame it on her childhood. Does that give her an excuse though to treat people the way she does. For some reason I think she wants to do everything I do, to be just like me, and I hate that so much. I want my privacy back, my own space. Every time she involves herself in something I’m involved in, I pull away, for fear that she will gossip when I’m not around. I know we had “the talk.” And I’m sure she’s trying. But I still cannot trust her. Maybe she wishes I were dead and that she would be here to do everything I do. I feel like she needs his attention more than I do. That she needs constant reassurance that she is smart, intelligent and wants him to tell her that. Then whenever he does happen to ask her for a favor, she makes sure to let me know that she is following through, as if I couldn’t have done it myself. That she is so special because she could do it and not me. That he asked her before me. Not only that but she will take it out of context and completely exaggerate whatever it was. Nothing, no one has ever made me angry. In fact, I like to think of myself as a very patient and tolerant person. But I cannot tolerate her. I hate her, I hate her, I hate her. And I don’t hate anyone. Even when she’s trying to be nice, I hate her, because I don’t believe that her intentions are good. I hate how she tells my son constantly that she loves him, in front of everyone, loudly, so that she will be heard by anyone in the vicinity. I hate how she tries to make herself the most important person in the room, like what she does no one else could possibly compare. I hate how she makes up stories, with intent to make me look bad. I hate how she whines about how they have no money when she hasn’t even tried. I hate how her problems become our problems that we have to get involved, that she can’t live without our help. I know he’s her sister. I know her loves her and I’m trying to be patient. But I’m crying now because I hate her so much and I never felt like this until she decided to move practically next door. I love the baby and I really do think that she is so cute. But I hate feeling like I am obligated to provide babysitting services for free and I hate that he volunteers me, since I’m not doing anything else. Once the baby is here, with me, I am all right. I like pretending that she’s mine, and her mother is nowhere to be found. But I dread when she comes to pick her up and calls her “cuteness” and overly expresses affection. It’s just how she is I guess but I cannot get used to it. I won’t ever. I will hate her for as long as I live. I hate that when you’re around her, she expects you to gush over the baby, as if you’ve never seen something so cute in all your life. If you say anything other than how adorable and how perfect she is, then it will never be forgiven. She’s offended when my three year old tells the baby she is stinky. Who gives a s***? Babies are stinky, and children have no concept of what is appropriate to say and when, and I think it’s funny. She’s offended if you say that her child was anything less than well behaved when you baby-sit. She is offended when constant attention is not given when baby-sitting. Soon as you put her down, the wailing starts. She’s used to the constant affection. It will be a hard habit to break. Yet hers is always better than yours, whether it’s your children, your ideas, anything. Unless it comes to husbands because I don’t think she really even likes hers. I don’t know that she’s ever said anything good about the man she chose to marry, while he constantly compliments her unnecessarily. I think she wishes she could marry her brother because that’s the only person she seems to respect at all. And even then, she will still tell stories about him with intent to portray him as a bad person. She wants compliments, all the time, about herself and the child. She can’t live without that constant reassurance that she is intelligent and her daughter is beautiful. Her friends are mindless and unopinionated. They will do whatever she says, same as her husband. What kind of person surrounds herself with people like that?

I think I have failed in my resolution to stop being judgmental of others. And this is someone I interact with on a daily basis. I am a horrible person for feeling this way. It’s been almost a year. I keep thinking it will go away, they will decide to move and find someone else to depend on. It may not happen. It may not ever, ever happen. What if it is he and I forever? Forever fixing their unfixable problems, forever providing unnecessary babysitting services? Forever forced to refer to their child as “cuteness” and beautiful? Forever subjecting ourselves to lies and dishonesty? I don’t know, I really don’t. I wish I had a solution. I wish that the past year of interactions with her had never happened because I don’t feel good about any of it. I feel like less of a good person than when they first moved out here. I feel like a bad person for hating her so much and I probably am. I’ve never hated someone like I hate her.