what matters and why

new year

1/5/02
6:00pm

Sugar and caffeine has become an addiction for me. This week has been awful as I’m attempting to cut down on that habit. Not having that daily cup of coffee gives me pounding headaches that last all day long. All I want to do is lay in bed. I want to feel like I have some sense of self-control in my life. I think I let go the last few months of last year. I just wanted to get through the semester, and I did, but I’m paying for it now. These last two weeks I have spent my time trying to make up for time I didn’t spend with my son last fall. In less than two weeks, he will be four years old. Every day I wonder how it went by so fast. Only one year ago he was still wearing diapers. Two years ago, he was hardly speaking at all. And the year before that, he couldn’t even walk. Now he doesn’t need my help anymore. He is practically doing everything on his own. And it’s only a year and a half away when he goes to kindergarten. More and more I am thinking about another one. It’s a constant conflict in my mind. The thing is, I want so badly to finish school, or to be closer than I am now. I would like to finish before I’m thirty, and it makes sense to keep going until I do. I just want to prove that I can do it. Having another child would slow that down. I know I will finish, eventually. I would like to get in a couple more years before I take time off for a baby. I’m not even twenty-three yet. I think I’m mature enough to take on the responsibility of another one. Yet when I remember my son’s first few months, all I can recall is crying all the time, being unhappy and scared. I was very good at hiding those feelings. But how can I be certain that they won’t come back again? With the first one, my mom was there every day, sharing in my responsibilities. She provided my son with the routine he needed. She did it perfectly. I’m scared to death that I couldn’t do it. I am aware of how important a regular feeding and eating schedule is for a baby, but I know how hard it is to keep it up. I want to say that I could do it myself, but without my mom’s every day involvement, I honestly don’t know. I’m not very confident that I could handle it. And my son was a perfect baby. What if the next one wasn’t? I know if it happens, I will be excited. But there will always be that part of me that unsure of my own capabilities.

Two of my old friends are getting married in the spring. I spent an evening with both of them last week. I don’t know what happened over the last few years but there’s no connection anymore, not even now that we would have something in common. Their lives will finally be similar to mine, and the friendship just isn’t there anymore. I felt like I was thirty hanging out with a bunch of teenagers. What’s weird is that I didn’t feel like that only two years ago. We always had fun. It’s different now. I couldn’t shake the feeling that they were all sharing the same jokes and stories, and I was on the outside. It’s been so long. I’m not close with any of them and have no desire to be. I tried. I didn’t want to go and I went anyway, thinking maybe I would have a good time. There’s nothing there. They don’t know who I am anymore, and they’ve all changed also. Or maybe they haven’t and I have. I wonder why they still want to get together, or why they even called me at all. It was like I wasn’t even there anyway. When I talk about things that are going on in my life, I get the feeling their bored with what I’m saying. I have such a simple life. A life that I’m so happy with. My only problems are family related and ridiculous compared to most. It’s exactly what I wanted. There are days when I wish we could move far away. Then the fallout in friendships could be explained with distance instead of complete failure.

It’s the beginning of a whole new year. Last year went by so incredibly fast. When I was little my mom warned me that time would go quicker and quicker, and she was right. I wish there was something I could do to slow it down because I know I am going to miss my son just the way he is now. This year I want to concentrate on doing things better, everything. I don’t want to drink four cups of coffee a day just to stay awake. I want to be a little more outgoing, and try a little harder to make friends and to get involved. I want to stop looking back on my past and wishing I could change things. I can’t anyway so why even bother. I want to appear confident even when I’m not. I want to get back to my normal weight, and back to a routine where I have time to fit in exercise, homework and cleaning. It sounds good when I say it now, but things never work out the way I want them to. I like beginnings though. It’s so good to have a new year every twelve months so at least you can think about changing, even if you never do. There’s those few months of possibility and it keeps your hopes up of becoming a better person.