Rants on lit. from Guatemala

Another bitch session and deep depressive stuff

Music: “Spark” by Tori Amos. For the longest time I wanted to see what it feels like to write with Tori´s music… I guess I can find out today… not that there is anything too up beet about today.

Read: Ibid. And I can see a glimmer about what it says on the topic of relationships now. See, it doesn’t matter who you are in love with… the relationships are always the same.

Drd: This is new… I don’t know if I can ever do this again… or if I’m going to keep updating this new part of it… what the hell… I don’t have to justify anything to myself… What ever… just so I don’t forget what it means… Digital recording device… Today: Consistency in thought is important… which leads to an interesting Question: What is more important… originality or mindless creativity. This is what I do when I’m not working or writing… I came up with this while driving around before X-mas day.

Now for the rant… Today I was feeling well… but something happened; I couldn’t pay attention to Roula who was kind enough to drop me a line because the damned phone rang… I could have just told Nancy… can I call you back in a few moments… But didn’t think of it… Roula understandably got mad… and I tried to fix it… in my usual pathetic and inexperienced kind of way… She didn’t answer anymore… She said something about her computer acting up again… I just hope she was telling the truth… and not just ditching me…

I must talk to her… but perhaps I should think very well next time (if there is a next time at all) I guess I’m starting to lose perspective on our friendship and that is not fare to her or to me…

And I say I have to think but right now I cant think… I’m so bleeding tired I just want to rest… rest for the whole afternoon… Go back to sleep and pretend I didn’t get out of bed this morning.

I’ve been felling so enraged… that I could bite anybody who comes into my life right now… I had a chat with a random person last night… and surprised myself ranting… just like she was doing… not really communicating… just acting up on random thoughts of depression and existence… She said it was intense… but I think I didn’t get my part of the intensity from myself… is this kind of frustration what woman feel? Ja! I hate the holydays…

Another thing that has got stuck in my mind since this afternoon is: If I had been totally truthful to everybody… how would they know… sometimes I feel like nobody believes anybody anymore… So, even if I’m making the effort it won’t do me any good. Lets see if I can make this clearer…

I have always criticized my teacher for being so hateful. But what if this is only my perception… if I am courteous to a person… and for a matter of disconnecting my brain say something thoughtless… would this person think of me as a liar!!!!!!!! Do I deserve a second thought?????? Does this make everything else I said a lie?… this is just pathetic… god I hate when I can’t fix things…

On a positive (hey look at me… I do in deed say: positive) note… Mariana called me on x-mas eve… And towards the end of our conversation she told me something really good: She said: I want an account of the evening… and don’t make up a story now, k? And I said: I wouldn’t…

M: But… isn’t Milagros a made up story, did that happened to you?
P: Nope it was made up, but I see what you mean now…

And that was pretty much it… But the important thing is… it got me thinking… I did make up Milagros, and it’s setting, and its characters… as I have said before… but the central idea behind it was true… this was something that had happened to me… it had a purpose… and that is probably why I’m not able to write another erotic story like it… I have nobody to think of as the central idea behind it!!!!!!! That is why everything appears as to having no soul… because it has no purpose… it has no reason to live…

Yes… Mariana did hit the nail on the head… That’s it!!!!!!

But now… what does this do for my writing?????? Nothing but make me feel absolutely alone again… I have to rest…

I have to rest for a while…

Bye now.