what matters and why

year's summary

12/21/01
8:00am

Another year is gone and this one went by especially. This is the rest of my life, and every year will get quicker and quicker. I always wonder if there’s something else to it all, if I should be doing something more important. I don’t feel like I did anything this year. The past few months have been horrible, but before that things were going well, and my resolution will be to return to that kind of happiness. Today will be that the last day of my babysitting job and I am so relieved. I don’t know that my friendship with his mother will ever be the same. I know more about her than I wanted to know. I’m happy that I won’t have to see her every day now, that I won’t spend my mornings waiting for them to knock on the door. It’s more work than eighty dollars a week. By the time I would feed him, take them out to eat, etc. I probably spent more on him than I made. I didn’t mind that so much, but it would have been better if he was a little older. I’ve forgotten already how mine acted when he was two, so I get impatient and wonder why he can’t understand. I don’t understand why he thought sticking play-doh all over my wall would be a fun thing to do. Why he has to dump things out and refuse to clean them up. Why he is constantly asking for something to eat when we just ate. He’s different than my child and I could not get used to that. His mother would routinely forget to pack his lunch on preschool days, she would forget diapers, and changes of clothes. When I would suggest that she buy snack for his class, she would give me the impression that it’s my job. I’m wondering if it will work out with his new babysitter, who is a friend of mine. I wonder if she will tolerate all that stuff. Since they aren’t friends, I’m assuming she will be more assertive and I wonder how his mother will take to that. I’m so glad that I will be done with all this. On to a new start, with a new schedule. And it will back to normal again, with only my son to worry about and not another. He’s bugging me to look for something else to do to make some extra cash, and I’m looking but I’m scared. I don’t want to get involved again in something I will hate doing. I want to concentrate on losing the ten pounds I’ve gained, and being happy again. It’s selfish, I know. I’m glad that my classes next semester will require interaction with other people, and as much as I can try to avoid it, I will have to start being more social. Every year it seems that I get to this time around the holidays and I’ve lost all the desire I once had to get out and make friends. I just want to be alone. I remember feeling like this last year also. Today the baby is spending the day with us, and sadly it doesn’t bother me that we won’t be able to go anywhere. By the end of the day however I’m going to get that sad feeling again, like something is wrong with my life. Should I think that something is wrong just because I don’t like to get out? Maybe. I felt very out of place last night, with his family. I’ve never felt like that with them. Could have been the wine. After three glasses, I was ready to start crying and I couldn’t explain why. I’m not emotional but last night I really thought I was going to break down. I felt like I had nothing important to contribute, like my presence was completely unnecessary. I was only there because I had to be. I laughed when I was supposed to laugh and maybe I appeared normal. By the time we were home, I’d drank so much I was past that emotional stage, and could only lay down and close my eyes and after that I don’t remember. For the most part, I enjoy his family’s company but it was different. Sometimes I get the feeling that their intentions are not good. And his mother and the whole boyfriend-marriage thing makes me uncomfortable. It’s not my place to judge, but I can’t help it. I wonder if she really likes him or she’s afraid of being alone. Which is funny because she gives the impression of being such a strong person. She’s very intimidating, even now, after four and a half years. It’s her way or no way, and she doesn’t want to be told otherwise. But she definetely keeps a group of people alive, whether she’s saying something shocking or just laughing loudly. I don’t mind her so much anymore, I just wonder if she’s making the right choice. I wonder if she’s having second thoughts and is too afraid to say. Would she admit to a mistake? Things will be different this year for them. A new city, a new house. In a way, I’m excited for her, but another side of me is worried about the quickness of the whole thing. Only one year ago, I thought she’d opted out of marriage forever, figured she would never settle down since she appeared to be doing well on her own. She’s the type who doesn’t need anyone around. Apparently it wasn’t as good as it looked. One year ago, I was excited for his newly married sister, who was still pregnant at the time. We were on good terms then, and now so much has happened. Their choice to live near us has definetely changed my opinion of her. It’s like with the boy I babysat for. I now know more about them than I wanted to know. Distance is good I think. There’s no reason to get so involved in someone’s life that you know everything about them. Especially when it’s a relationship that you didn’t choose, like family. It’s better to have your own space. I’m not okay with her anymore. I only feel suffocated. His younger sister has completed her first semester of college, and put on a few more pounds. She seems happy, though. She’s always laughing and I like that about her. I think my mother expects me to cook dinner on Christmas Eve, rather than just eating the leftovers as we had planned. She hinted that everyone could bring something, which I guess is fine but it’s not what we’d originally agreed to. I’m not ready to host an entire dinner for five other people. I’m not that brave. Sometimes with her it’s like what you’re doing isn’t good enough and she thinks you should do more although she won’t come out and say it. I know it bothers her that we don’t attend church on a regular basis and sometimes I feel like she’s partial to by brother and his wife because they do.
I don’t get that bad feeling all the time, just sometimes. Most of the time we get along very well. There’s just that occasional feeling that I am inadequate as a homemaker in her eyes. She has gained confidence this year, and lost weight. She seems like a new person, someone who doesn’t care what anyone thinks and who speaks their mind more and that is not like her at all. And I’m not sure I really like the new her. But sometimes I can still see the old person, afraid of people like I am. And I hate that she has all this new found confidence now, and that she is so much more social, and when we were growing up, it was always silent. We didn’t talk to each other, and we didn’t have many friends. I didn’t know how to relate to anyone, and I did the best I could, but there are times when I wish I could go back and do everything over again. I know she does, too. I’m pretty sure she regrets the way our family was then. We were always together, but didn’t know each other at all. We couldn’t joke around, or talk about anything uncomfortable. It’s different with my little sister, and I’m jealous that she gets that chance. I watch her grow up and I wish I could have been more like her. She has this confidence that I never had. She seems so much more secure. She’s so pretty, and has guys falling all over her. But she’s doing the right thing, and has not strayed off her path the way I did. She hasn’t let herself get caught up in popularity and all that trivial stuff that high school does to you. She knows the right things to say in certain situations, and is not shy at all. I remember being terrified to talk in fear that I would make a fool of myself. I was always so concerned with what other people were thinking, and I like that she’s not that way.