Rants on lit. from Guatemala

All the ways I’ve never choose to be

Music: “Come along” from Titiyo. And contrary to what you might think (you meaning me) she’s not oriental (at least she doesn’t sound oriental)… There is a line here I like: “come alone with me… and I’ll ease your pain”

Read: Ibid. the book has yet to make another appearance in my thought. The only thing I remember well is the story of the woman who was so old (and here it would be nice if it continued: stop me if you heard this one) she had shrunk to a larva like thing… Hence the phrase : I want to die.

Today was a suitable second day to another chapter of the angst attack. Yesterday I couldn’t even continue talking with Mariana. This sucks because she’s a good person… whom should not be bother with this kind of rude shit.

Now I realice the hell my teacher must go throw… and I pity her for this. No one should go down this road.

But enough bitching. I hate my own bitching. On to the works of the day…

There I am picking up this heavy box (a blue plastic box to be exact) of shell less eggs under a kinder sun than yesterday… and suddenly I felt I might go into another episode… Why is this…

I thought of something. Something painful and that began it all. Again, it always begins with this single thought that stings inside my mind like a needle pocking around in there…

But I have to ask myself… is this voluntary… do I derive pleasure from this? What kind of state of mind would turn itself self destructive like that? My state of mind has gone very low… low and dark.

I still have a long way down… and that is a big scare. My uncle says that it is only the lack of certain hormone in the brain that triggers depressive attitudes. And that walking it off is the best way to self medicate. This doesn’t work.

A few nights ago I was talking to a friend of mine, Christian (ha, somebody said I didn’t have any male friends?) and I said to him “I should act as this tortured artist…” of course this was a joke. But in essence I seem to fit the profile… hahahahaha… I fit the profile… I’m not a very good profiler as a matter of fact.

SL said good by today… got no reaction to my “fat boy in red” joke… guess she was expecting me to contact her today… but I couldn’t.

It really seems that I’m getting very into this messaging thing. Today Wasphy called and I couldn’t talk to her right. I even suggested we should talk in one of them contraptions… hahahahaha… it´s funny if you think about it… Because it is easier for me to write rather than talk.

My brother rigged the Msn so we could talk in real life with my aunt in the US. Finally I get to talk to Mariana… and of course I can talk to Roula (where are you?)

Why did I get so scared the last time Roula talked to me?????? She wanted to have a pc-to-pc conversation with me… and I just freaked… could this have something to do with the content of our conversation? She picked me so well… I got scared… she said one of those meaningful phrases I was talking about.

As I have told Mariana… this messaging things has turned me into a pathetic being. Because of the idea of being honest and stuff. I think affectation or sliding of personality is worthless in one of this relations. But this has uncomfortable side effects… it leaves you very open to attacks.

Did I say I was going to stop bitching? Well I lied. Hahahahaha hear my evil laugh!!!!!!

I was playing loudly again today. And I guess I play loud when no one is about… not to call attention on myself. But to feel somehow not alone. At least I’m getting the redka riffs down… ha, I will learn to make that thing with your right hand work or else I’ll chop it off…

Playing also bents this rage inside. Cool to cool off. If it weren’t for this… I would have to brake stuff. As I have thought of more than once.

Today I asked Wasphy about Aleyda… and I think I should call her up… but the idea that she would talk me down again is not appealing at the moment.

I really need human interaction for a change. At least the band allows me to have some of this.

Still trying to come up with the follow up to “milagros” but the weal has run dry. I have the setting down… I even showed it to Mariana and she says it’s ok, but I haven’t found the story inside yet. Hey maybe it’s because one of those add ons… little foot note’s somebody made about Wittgenstein when he wrote something about not being able to masturbate… “He just didn’t feel sensual at the moment”

Yeah. What ever.