what matters and why

ten pounds

11/16/01
2:48pm


Ten pounds and three months after the semester began; I will complete my nine hours with passing grades. How I did this I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m barely here anymore, only going throught the day-to-day motions wishing I had more to offer. Waiting for the day when I can relax without feeling guilty about not completing my schoolwork. I have not made it to the gym, nor have I gotten up early to run anymore, and I know that’s contributed to my lack of energy but I cannot find the time to get everything done. I’m jealous of the preschool moms who enjoy their two days a week off and have time for them. When I do have time alone, it’s not for me. It’s for school. I do know that I will be grateful I completed these classes now instead of waiting. I cannot wait for the feeling when I’ve completed everything and have earned a degree, not because I want to use it, but because I want to prove that I could do it. Last month the company offered him a job in New Jersey and I know it’s not a great promotion but selfishly I wished he had accepted. The thought of a new life, of starting over just appeals to me so much. And not only that, but to be free from his suffocating family and all they ask of me. I am constantly feeling guilty because I don’t contribute more to their lives, and I wish I had didn’t have to feel like that all the time. I want a family for thanksgiving celebrations, and Christmas dinner, not to see every day. Not to hear from four or five times a day. Everytime the phone rings shivers run up my spine as I pray for the person on the other end not to be her. How much do you give? When is it ok to tell someone to leave you alone? Never, according to their family. I know I appear rude and unfriendly but I am at the point where I don’t care. I want my own life back, my privacy. I want them to find themselves and fix their problems without my help. I don’t want to have to share my friends, my life. What right does she have to know where I am and what I’m doing every single minute of the day. What right does she have to talk about me when I’m not there? My family irritates me, and sometimes I wish we could be more open with each other, but I’ve come close to hating them. I’ve never felt like they are intruding on my privacy, well not like this. I’ve never considered them impolite. Irritation though is different from a constant annoyance, and a consistent feeling of guilt that I should not have to experience. So I want to start over, I want a new beginning. I know it’s not a good time, and we are not ready. But I hope that we are not here forever. I’m not myself and maybe that contributes to my feelings of annoyance. When the semester stress is gone I wonder if I will feel differently. I know when I’m back to normal I may not be so angry. But for the time being, I’ll have to deal with these feelings. I don’t know how long I can suck it up. I’m really good at hiding how I feel; I just need to keep it up a little longer. Only three more weeks and finals will be over. But she will still be here. And tonight, her father is the last person I want to socialize with. Everytime I look at him all I can think about is how he left them before they turned three. How his own life was more important than their childhood and when I think about the insecurity that caused, it makes me sick to my stomach and that he can just come back with excuses and such a non repentant attitude makes me so angry. I blame him for her insecurity. Had he stayed, where would she be now? Who would she be? Not the screwed up person she is now, I’m sure. What’s the point I wonder in making amends after all this time and what are my obligations? I wish they would not bend over backwards everytime he showed up, and expect me to also. Is this normal to be so mad about things that are so simple?