The e-mail to my heart

My Appology

I can work at being your friend, I want that more than anything. I'd rather
have you as a friend than to not have you around at all. I'm really sorry
for what I said, I don't even know why I said it. I can't excuse myself for
saying what I did say, though, I wish I could. I do truly care about what
you do, say, I may depend on your opinion at times for whatever reason. I'm
sorry for dwelling on the past and for stupid stuff about relationships and
as to why I don't have a boyfriend. Right now, not talking to you has made
things worse for myself. Do you want to know how long last night I ended up
crying when I read what you wrote to me? I couldn't fall asleep because I
felt so terrible for what I had done. I've always admired you, which is the
reason I always look for your approval, for your advice, for anything.
Right now I am feeling the heartbreak that you speak of. I wish things were
better, back to normal, though I know they never will be. I understand what
you are getting at with the whole relationship vs. friendship thing. I just
want that back, otherwise I don't know how much more I can take of this. I
could barely eat this morning, I could barely pay attention in class, I
could barely fall asleep last night, I had pains in my stomach from crying,
I just wanted it to end. If you just need a break, I can understand. I
just hope that sooner or later you can come back to talk to me, or at least
write me an e-mail when you're willing to talk. I just wish that you
weren't hurt by what I said to you. I wish that I could take back what I
said because this is just eating me up inside right now, knowing that I
hurt you and that you can't be my friend right now. I'm sorry for whatever
pain I've caused you, please just help me make the pain I have go away as
well.
I almost forgot the most important thing of all. I'm sorry for giving you
any attitude, it wasn't intentional. I guess it was just me feeling badly
at the time. I really wasn't giving you attitude last night though, I
wasn't being serious, just so you know and I'll try to not skip around
issues anymore, at least you learned about them sooner or later, better than
me not telling you at all. The whole thing about my friend, havin a bf,
that was my sarcasm, my way of dealing with things; I wasn't fishing for
compliments or getting upset over anything you've said. About you not knowing
stuff about me, I've told you everything about myself whether I really
wanted to or not, I figured that if you don't accept me for who I am, then
screw it. If you really don't believe me, there's no reason for you to
actually do so, then you figure out a way to find out what you don't know
about me by asking questions. Don't give up if I'm givin you attitude, I'll
try not to, I'm usually not that way. Maybe that was my way of pushing you
away, but now that you're gone, I realized that you were the only true
friend I had and I miss that greatly. I valued our friendship, I still do.
Now that you're gone, I feel like I'm going to start pushing away other
relationships based on how hurt I was right at this moment. I can't help it
if I subconsciously do something like that, it might just happen and if it
does happen, I'm sure I wont be able to realize what I've done.