what matters and why

and falling down further

9/10/01
12:00pm

I have come to the conclusion that my brain is algebraically retarded. I have sat in this chair for three hours attempting to finish an overdue quiz and that numbers and letters start to blend together until I can’t see anymore and all I want to do is just lay down and cry. Not only is this quiz overdue, but also I’ve got this week’s due tonight. And a project for another class. I know I’ll never finish. I haven’t had this much trouble with school in four years. And it was the same class which I ended up dropping, somehow thinking that time would smarten me. Apparently it hasn’t and I don’t know if I’m even going to make it through this week. I hate it that I can accomplish so much, yet this one thing is looming over my head as if to say, you’re not good enough unless this is complete. It’s tempting to pay someone to do my quizzes for me since it’s an Internet class, however I don’t know how I’d manage the exams. The degree I want requires even more math, and I don’t think my brain can handle all that. I hate it that this one class has taken so much of my money and that I feel like it’s the only thing holding me back. I know I’m not this dumb, and it makes me wonder how other people get through this. I don’t even want to go in the tutoring lab for fear that I’ll start crying or make a fool of myself. How did I get myself into this mess? Things were going so well until the last few weeks, and then I feel like everything just fell apart. The plans I’d made for this semester are not working out as planned. The child I’m taking care of is wonderful, but his mother can’t seem to pay me on time or remember his clothes, diapers, etc, and it’s making my life hell. And I’m too much of a wimp to say anything. My husband says if I don’t say anything this week he will and so I feel like I’m on a deadline to chew her out. What makes it so hard is that we started off as friends, and she thinks we still are, I can’t stand everything about her now. I can’t stand it that she lets her husband sleep every morning while she brings her boy over here at the crack of dawn. I can’t stand it that her husband calls me during the day with nothing to say, hinting that he wants to come over for lunch and it makes me sick to my stomach that he wants to spend time with me. I hate it that she’s never paid back the money she owes me, and I hate it that she thinks everything is fine. I was warned not to do this, yet I told myself that everything would be ok. And now that I’m getting completely taken advantage of, I hate to backtrack and say I was wrong. I hate to admit that I can’t handle all that I’ve committed to. I hate it that I’m too stupid to finish this damn class. I hate that lately all I seem to do is cry. I feel like such a weak person. I hate it that when I played softball for the first time in four years last weekend, I pulled all the muscles in my leg and could not run no matter how hard I tried. I hate it that I know that I can play better than I did, and that I can run faster. I hate not being able to give one hundred percent in a situation like that. I hate that my legs are bruised and swollen, and I want to know what happened to me, and why I don’t feel as good as I used to. I’m in good shape, I work out all the time, but that one weekend the one I wanted so badly to perform, my body gives out on me. Even now, a week later, I’m so upset about it. I’m only twenty-two and sometimes I feel like I’m forty. All I want is to be able to complete what I started without this kind of stress. I don’t want to feel like less than enough. I want to be more than average. I wish I could just look at those numbers and understand right away what’s going on. All I want is to be a teacher and a coach, and I don’t to ever teach any form of math and I would like someone to explain to me why the hell I’m going to need to know how to factor a polynomial ten years from now.