what matters and why

hot as hell

7/21/01
9:00am

The summer here is by far the worst part of the year. The days are long, and the sun begins beating down it’s one hundred degree heat early in the morning and doesn’t stop until it’s dark. There isn’t a good time to go outside, unless you’re planning to sit in a pool. The thickness of the air makes it hard to breathe, and those who are prone to sweating will be dripping upon walking out the door. This could explain my lack of motivation lately. Something about late July and early August depresses me. The first part of the summer went well. We spent time outside and took trips to the zoo and water parks, stuff like that. This week we’ve been here, inside almost every day. Partly because we’ve run out of money to do the fun stuff, or even go shopping. Partly because I’m taking a three week television course at school which requires constant studying. My patience is diminishing, and I’m finding myself losing touch with reality and daydreaming entirely too often. I’m exercising less, and I can already feel the difference, and I hate myself for it. Somehow, I can’t bring myself to get up early and go through the normal routine. When I think back to last year, however, I remember my situation being quite similar, and eventually I pulled myself up and recovered. I don’t know if it could be considered depression, because I don’t think it’s that severe. Something about being cooped up inside. Lately it could be caused by my lack of close friendships and myself pushing away from people who want to be close. I’ve been so angry lately, as a result of feeling I’ve been taken advantage of. Regrets of an offer I made, and I’m sure now that I want to take it back. Sometimes I think I I hate her, but it could be just irritation. Why I let myself get irritated so easily is beyond me. I think she may consider our friendship to be a close one, yet she’s the one doing all the talking and me all the listening. It’s completely one sided. She goes on and on about things I don’t care about, and when I do we disagree. And if this arrangement works out, she’s in my life for a long time. And I am going to be constantly frustrated. There’s no way to tell her though, because she’s the type of person who does not hear what they don’t want to. I feel trapped in this situation. At least he’s happy. We really need the extra money. I’m just wondering if it’s worth it to subject myself to years of disagreement.
I know that I’ll get out of this slump in my life. I should have known when a few months ago, everything was so perfect that it would come to this again. It was too good to be true. I only wish it could have lasted longer. Things typically change for the better at the turn of the seasons, at least for me, and hopefully that will be true this year. I want to go back to where we were, to not having a care in the world and appreciating every second of what we had. I hate this feeling of monotony, doing the same things over and over again and not really knowing what I’m doing. I hate it that I get so mad when there’s nothing provoking me.