Random Thoughts

Lions and tigers and F150s Oh MY!

 (This entry was edited by jlennongrrl on 06-03-01 @ 6:36 pm EDT)

"Sex is like a gun. You aim, you shoot, you run."

Yeah, that's exactly what I'm worried about. In today's society, you can't afford to go around having sex with just anyone. And, that's precisely what I did.

You see, I was a 21 year old virgin. All of my life I had been raised to wait until I found the perfect man and married him before I had sex. That was my plan for the future. But somehow, I messed up.

I thought I knew who I would lose my virginity to. I had been in love with this man for the longest time. Through thick and thin, I would always remain his friend...and if things worked out, his lover. I had a perfect little dream of showing him in the ultimate way how much I loved him. Obviously, things did not work out. I would have given my world for this man...but he just did not want me. That is the worst hurt I could have ever experienced...not being wanted. But, oh well, life moves on.

Now, enter the new boyfriend. We met through my brother of all people. Now how odd is that?? My brother (the man that hates everyone I've ever liked) sets me up with a man. I'll never get over that one.

Automatically, everything with this man was different than I've ever experienced. First off, there's a seven year age difference between me and him. Not too bad. Yoko Ono was eight years older than John Lennon, and they had an excellent relationship. But, I get off the subject.

The feelings I had for him were definitely different. I could tell this would be a serious relationship. He did nothing out of the ordinary, he just took me to the movies...bought my ticket, and made me feel absolutely beautiful. Wow. I can feel that way about myself?? Thats a new emotion for me! After the date, he showed interest and said he would like to go out again sometime. Sure!! Fine by me! I was totally cheezing big time when I walked into the house.

The second time I saw him, we were at my brother's house. Remember...I was a 21 year old virgin. Somehow, I found myself damned near screwing this man in my brother's smoke shack outside. DAMN how did that happen?! He didn't pressure me into a thing, so I can't say that. Maybe it was just that it had been 6 years since I had had *any* sexual contact with a man whatsoever. And the last man I had been with was the person I thought I loved. Needless to say, I was a little bit hormonal at the sudden attention. The odd thing is, I was acting unlike I had EVER acted before. I don't just suddenly let any man touch me...and all of a sudden I am?! Weird stuff.

I don't remember the third time I was with him, but I remember that night. I told him online that I did not want to lead him on...I was a virgin. He acted totally sweet, and told me that it was fine with him. "The time should be right for you and not just your partner," is the exact words he used with me. WOW again! In the past, whenever anyone found out about me being a virgin, they totally freaked out and wanted nothing to do with me. Score one for me!! I found a good guy.

The next night, I lost my virginity in the back of his F150 down by the river. Can we say, WTF?! I was not drunk...I was not stoned. I was sober. He was sober. But yet, I totally went back on every value and ideal I've had since I was a small child. Needless to say, I was a little confused. I remember telling him that I was not ready. I also remember right after I said that, I kept necking with him. I felt him get ready to penetrate me, but I did not say no. I did not say yes. I knew exactly what was happening, and I let it happen. How do these things happen in the age of HIV and pregnancy????? We didn't even use protection. All my life I knew to use protection or some bad stuff could happen, but yet I went back on that too.

Since then, he has been a total sweetheart. The next day he felt like a total asshole. He said he did not expect that to happen, and he felt like he had taken something from me. He respected me for being able to save my virginity, and he felt like an ass for being the one to take it. All I could tell him is that I could have said no, but I didn't did I?? I could have stopped it all but I chose not to. He felt a little better at that, but still had some guilt going on.

Now, if it was just as easy with me. I feel totally terrible that I gave it up after 3 days. I mean come on! But, as I sit here writing this, I realize that he and I are now on 12 days of dating. Yeah that isn't long, but this whole relationship is going very fast. He's already given me his ring to wear. Whoa.

In the twelve days I have been with him, I have learned so much. I've learned that I do not have to feel like shit in a relationship. I do not have to hate myself or give up my identity. I can feel good about myself and be with him at the same time. I'm totally in shock.

My friends all say he spoils me rotten and I deserve this. I'm still trying to figure out how I went from "I wish I could be with guy #1 but he'll never want me or love me like I love him," to "OMG this guy is the ultimate sweetheart."

He's said he has no intention of leaving me. He says he's in this relationship for the long run...if I can handle it. I think I can. However it happened, I just hope I can give some of the happiness he has given me back to him. Sure, I'm still freaked out because I gave my virginity to him so early. But, I said I wanted to save it for the right man, the man I loved. Come to think of it, I think I did.