Voice Lessons

My happy place?

The prompt is what does my happy place look like? It’s an interesting question as the answer probably varies, depending on where you are in your life and what your values are in the moment. But right now as I look over my life, my happy place is on stage. And I haven’t been on stage since I was 22. Whether it was musical theater or ballroom dancing I was on stage. I felt like Cinderella. At least four  competitions a year where I got to dress up and go to the ball. Not to mention the pride of winning from all the hard work you put in. My happiest place was competing in England in 1991. When I earned what I had.

And how sad is that? That at age 50 I have elevated my small teen accomplishments; the only thing that gave me autonomy. The only thing I did myself.  They say “the older I get the better I was” We always forget our misery in retrospect. But 1992 was by far my best year. I graduated high school and met my husband and married him All in that year. It was the year I grew up and became an adult really for me and the world had promise and I was so excited for what to come.

Suddenly, the years seem to have worn me down and I find myself lost and alone. Although I’m not alone, I still feel that way. I have four sisters who love me to death and will always be there if I fall. And I have children that look up to me and love me despite my many faults. I’m sure there are many more happy places, but because of my illness, my memories allude me.

I know in my soul I will be able to access those memories again when I leave this earth and I so look forward to it. And yet I fear having to answer for some of my shortcomings as a mother. The guilt eats me up And seeing my children struggle feels like a failure on my part. Sometimes I wish I hadn’t married so young; than iI had time to discover who I was. 50 and I still don’t know who I am. And my husband and family seem not to care. They never ask my opinion and I feel very marginalized. Even when I give my opinion, I am wrong. It’s hard to be in a family right fighters. I have become what I feared.

"[ I fear.] a cage. To be stay behind bars until use and old age accept them and all chance of good dees has gone beyond recall or desire." Eowyn The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

I believe this quote sums up where I am at this point. I was always afraid of my bars. I fear
that I have accepted them. I am safe there. I can’t fail if I stop trying. Trying is my first step toward failure NowI feel like I no longer remember the goals I had for my life. They have gone beyond recall or desire. Now that I have the time to rediscover who I am, I don’t know if it is worth the effort. Only to find once again that the only things I like about myself seem to be an annoyance for my family. Who would I be if I could let that fan side out. I have accepted the fact that I will never know.

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