The New and Improved Cynical Idealist

Pears, Raspberries, Strawberries and Hard Hats

So, my wife has been told by the pediatrician that our daughter needs more fibrous fruit. Ok, fair enough. Now we have a fridge full of it. That was a quick story, thanks for coming by today.

No really though, my wife went out and bought a crazy amount of fruit. She was also good enough to note that it might help me trim a bit of fat off. Yeah, you know, subtlety. Now I don't mind a bit of honesty, and she ain't wrong, my gut has been getting a little bigger since switching departments at work. I really would like to get back down to a better size, so sure, I'll go along with this.

My rant here isn't that my wife told me I'm getting fat. Nah, I don't let that sort of thing upset me. I'm a beer drinker who works a swing shift, I know I'm getting fat. My rant here is I can't flip the table on this, and one day mention with some subtlety that she's getting a little thick around the waist.

Granted, she's not. She's a pencil. Like, I can lift her with one arm. But still, if I said something like that she wouldn't talk to me for 2 days, and I'd have to buy some flowers that will sit on the table and die, make a nice supper, do a powerpoint presentation as to the many reasons that I'm sorry, and then change the oil in her car, and maybe JUST MAYBE she won't be mad at me. None of that is likely true, this is just the scenario I've concluded is the most likely in my head should the situation ever arise.

Now, all that behind me. The guys at work know me for an avid outdoorsman. Almost my entire diet consists of things I got out in nature, from wild plants like Chenopodium Album (Lamb's Quarters) and Prunus Virginiana (Chokecherry) to wild mushrooms like Tylopilus Alboater (Black Velvet Bolete) or Cantherellus Laeteritius (Smooth Chanterelle), to wild venison, to whistle pig (Groundhog), Porcupine, Walleye, Largemouth Bass, Smallmouth Bass, Northern Pike, Crappie, and Sunfish. Basically, I'm that guy in the woods with a knife, a beard, a beanie, and a gun or bow. Minus the beard because I have to wear a respirator at work. I have adopted a very live off the land lifestyle. With that lifestyle comes a certain expectation from the guys I work with. I always have some sort of meat or fish, and some crazy plant they've never heard of that literally grows 2 feet out their back door in the yard.

Now I have fruit salads. And now the ridiculing starts, and let me tell you, I'm a thick-skinned guy. Ive spent my entire career in the working world in heavy industry wearing a hard hat and hanging out with guys that spit Copenhagen everywhere while wearing those stupid and uncomfortable slip-on cowboy steel-toe boots. That environment toughens the hide quite a bit.

But man they are just merciless with fruit salad. Like I'm now a fruit loop. Granted I like a good bit of chirping back and forth so I'm a good sport. Especially considering that one of them walks like an oompa loompa, and another looks like Shrek. Like dudes, you're opening a big BIG can of worms that you won't be able to close. The trick to a good chirp though, and this is for real, the trick is to time it right.

These guys suck at it. They only do it on break when they see me there eating my fruit salad, which I don't care if you think its lame, it's delicious. The real art behind it, is to get them with one when they're mad, thereby amplifying the mad to another level. I'm a master of this.

"What's the matter, you welded that whole ingot with the wrong wire? I wouldn't expect anything less from someone that looks like Shrek."

You plant the seed, and you watch it grow. Now they have to air arc their weld off all mad, swearing under their breath.

What really gets them going, is when you help them set it back up. Get the right wire, set the welder to the right volts and wire speed, help them line it up and then just walk away and say something like, "There ya go buddy." That's like a thermonuclear detonation. All because you were foolish enough to make fun of fruit salad. Remember guys, someone who's worn a hard hat for over 20 years is way WAY better at getting under your skin than you are.