what matters and why

flashback

 (This entry was edited by 1boy on 07-03-01 @ 9:00 am EDT)

5-8-01
5:30pm

Driving to school today, I was overwhelmed with the feeling that my car was broken, that the brakes were going to fail any second and that I would die. My foot all of a sudden felt like jello on the gas petal, and I became very nervous. Like for some strange reason, I'd immediately forgotten how to drive even though I've been doing it every for so long. Every time I'd turn the radio up, I'd imagine that there were police sirens close by, only I couldn't hear them because my music was too loud. I would think that someone was desperately trying to get my attention, yet I was oblivious, singing along to my radio. So I would turn it down, make sure I was hearing everything that needed to be heard, then I'd turn it back up again. Last night, while doing homework, I kept hearing my boy calling me, only he wasn't. He was fast asleep in bed, along with my husband. Am I sleep deprived, or just insane. I'm not stressed out. I'm happier than I've been in four years. Everything in my life is perfect. I just have these strange impulses from time to time that prove to be completely irrational. Especially driving in the car. I'm terrified of getting in an accident, expecially when it would be my fault. I'm scared to death of smashing into the back of someone at a stoplight as a result of not paying attention. Could my subconscience be trying to tell me something?

Four years ago today, I was happily looking forward to my graduation, yet scared and undecided about my future. My plans weren't definite yet, although I had a general idea of what I wanted to do with my life. Unlike others, I was ready to leave my past behind and begin a new life, with new friends. All there was left was one more summer. I started to forget things, like important homework papers that really mattered to complete a class, once I wore two different shoes to school and didn't even notice. I cried a lot for no apparent reason. My behavior was completely unreasonable, so I hid it from everyone. I made an educated guess about what was going on, and by the end of the month, I knew for sure. I cried like I'd never cried before, only behind closed doors. I did my best to pretend like nothing was going on, and slowly attempted to drop out of the limelight, hoping that no one would notice my being gone from social activities. I spent a lot of time in my room, alone, and when I wasn't there, I was with him, wondering what the hell I was doing and why he was being so nice. How could he just go on like that, like nothing was going on I wondered. He had to be stressed out, too. But the only thing I could see in his face was excitement, a way out from a life he didn't want anyway. He made all the plans, I sat back and let him, knowing that it was the way it had to be. I spent the summer avoiding everyone I knew, and desperately trying not to envy their lives and their freedom. They only had to worry about themselves, and now I was responsible for not only my life, but another. I put on a cold, hard face around my family. They couldn't know what doubts were going through my head. I convinced them that it was what I wanted, he was who I wanted, and that we could do this, it would work. The words sounded good coming out of my mouth, but in my head, it was a different story. I knew what was coming was going to be nearly impossible to get through, and yet on the outside I kept insisting that it was going to be okay. Maybe I told myself that so many times that I eventually begin to believe and live out what I said. I became the person I never thought I'd be. That impossible time came and went, and here I am, still intact. Somehow, a time I never thought would go away has past. Now all of my friends, the ones who I was so envious of, are ending this period in their lives and entering one that I've been living for so long. During this time, I have become happy with who I am, and with my life. I am satisfied with what I have done, and excited for our plans for the future together. I feel like I've aged ten years, and learned so much. And they have just begun. I don't know how I will be able to deal with their homecoming. I have my life just the way I wanted it, seperated from those people in my past. The good friends I have now didn't even know who I was four years ago, they know me for who I am now, and I like that. I don't want any links to the past. I only want to go forward, and them coming back will get in the way of that process. I feel as if I'll have to prove I'm someone I'm not, that I'm still I'm still the person I was when I've changed so much. I feel like I'll have to pretend my life is busy, fun and exciting. That I go out and experience new things on the weekends rather than stay home and watch movies. The funny thing is, they don't expect that from me. I do it to myself. Like I have this need to keep up and compare myself with what others are doing. And if I'm so happy with who I am now, why am I so nervous for the time to come?