Writing Blog Number 2

20241212 Stages Of Grief

Stages Of Grief

When writing, there are often times when we kill off characters. This leads to the other characters having to process this.
         A lot of writers ignore this, and someone just dies and the story goes on, with the other characters simply just proverbially shrugging their shoulders and getting on with things. This is hardly realistic (except in the case of genuine sociopaths).
         The problem is, how do we show what characters go through? Well, this is where the stages of grief come in. Actual psychologists/ psychiatrists tend to downplay the formal stages of grief because they are not universal (as in, some people miss stages), and a lot of people go through them in different orders (children especially), and some people even go through two of the stages at the same time. Some mental health professionals even say there are no real stages and everybody’s processing of grief differs, and putting people and their responses into boxes diminishes the lived experience an individual goes through following a death.
         I am not a psychologist (studied a lot of psychology, but not registered), but that last seems about right to me.
         However, in the writing world, using these stages can add a sense of realism to the characters and how they process events in the story. Even if the reality they are based on is not entirely accurate, it is a trope that people can relate to.
         So, what are the stages?
         First is the five stage model. This is the original idea, coming from the 1960s and the stages are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Denial means refusing to believe it happened; anger is being pissed off that it happened; bargaining is awkward – some people go through it by offering themselves instead, some want to change the past or live in the past, and still others do the “deal with God” prayer; depression is just feeling profound and deep sadness about it all; acceptance is realising nothing is going to bring them back and getting on with life, with memories.
         In the 1990s, it was felt that a sixth stage needed to be introduced – guilt. Guilt over things unsaid or undone, over a life unfulfilled, or over the circumstances of the death. The problem was where it fitted in with the rest of the stages. As such, guilt was outside the 5-stage model, as not everyone went through it, and it could appear at any time.
         Then in the early twenty-first century, a seven-stage model was introduced. Shock (a feeling of numbness, inability to process the death), denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance/hope (hope is added as a way of accepting a future without the dead person), and processing (which is where you let the feelings out) Processing is seen as important, as keeping the feelings bottled up was seen as a way of causing the cycle to start again. The website I was given a few years ago (when my uncle died and I found the body, then sat with it for 6 hours in the Australian sun) says this: express your grief in words or another creative outlet, such as painting or drawing; connect with others – this can be loved ones or community support groups; ask for help, in whatever form; practise deep breathing regularly; set small, realistic goals; ensure you’re getting enough sleep and aim for some form of movement each day; eat a healthy, balanced diet and keep hydrated; rehearse how you respond to questions and new situations. (https://www.hcf.com.au/health-agenda/body-mind/mental-health/moving-through-grie...)
         There is no timeframe, by the way. It might take a few weeks, it might take years, but after a death a person will be somewhere along these stages, be they 5, 6 or 7. General acceptance, even by those who do not believe in the stages, is that people take at least two weeks to fully process and get over death. The exceptions are in times of war where some who are confronted by the deaths of friends too often reach acceptance in a day or so (while others never reach acceptance and live with the guilt of “why not me?” for their entire lives), or when someone dies and the death has been protracted and drawn out, as with disease, in which case the bereaved might already have reached acceptance.
         It should also be noted that some people never reach acceptance. In 1994 a friend of mine died of cancer; he was 25. It is now 30 years later and his old bedroom has not been touched, except to be vacuumed and dusted by his parents. See, he was an only child, and his parents were older when they had him; they should not be living alone as his father has mental degeneration, but they refuse to leave the house because it is where their shrine to their son is. His best mate (a former friend of mine) also has not got over it, and it was definitely a thing there in his divorce.
         So, when writing about death, writers often forget to go into the feelings of those left behind beyond a few tears. The stages of grief can really help bring the story to life, and bring the characters out.