My Conversion Story Journal

August 4, 2024

When I look back over the past couple of years, I remember the times that I asked G-d for this. I asked for truth. I asked to know the Torah. I asked the know to difference between a commandment, a law, and a statute. I told G-d, "I just want to worship you. Please help me do that right!"

Now, here I am in a new city starting a new job this week and experiencing a lot of firsts that may seem small on a grander scale, but are huge to me. I went to Walmart for the first time and got lost looking for my car for the first time. I talked to strangers on the side of the road for the first time. I met new neighbors for the first time. I answered the question, "Where do you live?" with, "Right down the road" for the first time. All of these are small things but big things, and my firsts did not end there.

I walked to shul yesterday from my apartment for the very first time. On my walk home (1), I saw a couple of little kids (probably 4 and 7) selling lemonade. I, of course, did not have any money on me (2). The little girl ran up to me and gave me a marker, led me over to her stand, and asked me to draw on the whiteboard (3). I so much wanted to for that adorable little girl, but did not. They offered to give me a glass of lemonade anyway (4), which was so sweet, but I did not accept. I am hoping they are there today so I can visit and buy some. I came home and ate the cholent that I had made which was my first Shabbos meal (5) in my new apartment. I took my first Shabbos nap in my new apartment. Then walked with a friend to Tehillim and back. I read my first couple of chapters in new apartment (6), And I said Havdalah (7) for the first time in my new apartment.

1. No driving on Shabbat - I broke this rule every week until I moved here.
2. No business on Shabbat - as a safeguard, most Jews do not even touch money on Shabbat. I broke this rule every week to buy kosher groceries at Meijer on my way home and to buy gas.
3. No creating on Shabbat - that means no drawing, writing, or anything that would be considered as creating
4. No appearance of evil - even though I did not buy anything, it could have looked like I did if I had accepted the lemonade.
5. Three meals on Shabbat - there are three meals that are supposed to be eaten on Shabbat. I have not been able to attend shul and eat a meal at home on the same day, until now.
6. Torah and Torah law should be studied on Shabbat - I never had time to do this on Shabbat because I was driving until the end of Shabbat or even after Shabbat ended on most Saturdays. When I was staying at someone's house, I could read there, but it wasn't home, ever. Until now.
7. Havdalah is the separation of the holy day of Shabbat and the mundane days of the week - this was hard for me because I always had to not only let go of Shabbat, but also let go of the community for another week. Until now.

Every part of my body hurts from moving, and I still have so much work to do to get every part of this place in usable shape. I'm still attending my Hebrew classes with GZ, praying, listening to The Ark online classes, and trying to read as much as possible (articles and books) to keep my learning up. The application for the Beit Din seems so overwhelming at the moment. Am I pushing too fast and too hard? Or am I just scared? What do I say in the application?

I feel like my life is me being asked to take a step of faith on an invisible bridge. I, however, am not Indiana Jones, and the cliff behind me is no longer in sight, and the cliff ahead of me is not in view yet. I am standing over a deep chasm alone and taking one step at a time, So, I am going to take the next step and pray to G-d, "Please, hold on to me and never let go."

Thank you Hashem for all these firsts that I have experienced and will experience.